Don't Want To Play The Victim Card!!

The devil is all around and just when you think you have him beat...He strikes again. Darn devil!! I haven't slept in weeks. My mind has been playing the perpetual hamster in the wheel scenario. It just won't shut down. I have prayed and pleaded with God believing that maybe I had lack of faith because I couldn't "let it go". (Yes Elsa from Frozen is now singing in my head.) I took a different approach and took it straight to the devil. I let him know that "this" the "If you aren't physically caught up in your sin anymore then I won't let you forget it mentally" approach wasn't working and I demanded release. "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7
I immediately fell asleep. I was like Snow White under a trance. Then he hit me again. I had the scariest dream that I have ever had. He went deep into the mind and brought out memories that I hadn't thought about in 20+ years. I woke up mad. Dare I say even pissed. It was a low blow.
Everyone whom I have seeked counsel with always want to venture into my childhood. They want to use the abuse of a mean alcoholic abusive step father as an excuse for who I am now. I just don't want to play the victim card. I always took pride in that I had forgiven the man who did unspeakable things to me and my mom. I have moved on. Basically I want and am willing to take complete blame for what I have done. I don't want my step father getting the credit. Even he doesn't deserve that. I don't want my mom now blaming herself when she has been one of the most reliable things in my life. I don't want these therapist giving me an out and in a way excusing my sins.
We all have free will and we all know right from wrong.
If anything this had helped me have a little more self reflection and I am starting to understand it more. I am beginning to glue the pieces but hey that is for another day.
The devil longs to take away your peace. If you are content, happy, and have no problems then maybe he has you right where he wants you. He doesn't want you to ever feel raw or in need of God. He will use the people you love most to keep you trapped in doubt and fear. I can get 99 emails, texts, and calls of love and prayer but it is the 1 that lacks support or understanding that leaves you unsettled. That is the devil at work even when they don't know it or mean it. I have many times been an instrument in his planning. We are called to pray when evil lurks and offset it with good works and prayer.
I will overcome and I have been made a new. I can now sleep!
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God`s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Reduce with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another." Romans 12:9-15.

In love and faith,
Kristie

Thankful In A Perfect Storm??

Sunshine, birds chirping, daughter kisses, son smooches....so many things to be thankful for. In my readings over the past week I have become enlightened in where one of the authors kept a list of a thousand blessings from God. A list you say??? Challenge accepted. She believes the more thankful you are in EVERYTHING you see and experience the closer you will become to God. The hard part is that not all things are good. They are ugly and confusing but we STILL must give thanks.
I started my list last week and I have loved it. Of course at this point I didn't have too much of the ugly. I became more acutely aware of everything I was seeing and hearing.
This week however is a different story. It is trying to wreck me....
Thankful? I have to be thankful for a dear beautiful sweet friend of mine being hit with the word "cancer"?
Thankful? I need to find thanks as I sit in the ER with my mom while she deals with intense pain? Not only that but I have to hear the coughs, the weeping, and the frustrations of the sick around us and see the blessings?
Thankful?  Find thanks when I still can't forgive myself or understand the fact that I was fired from a job that I loved for stealing what was not mine. I need to see thanks in my sin?
I need to be thankful in a storm? The answer.....YES!!!
I am thankful that a friend, mother, wife, and beautiful person who has been diagnosed with the "C" has seen God's hands already working in this storm. Thankful that she is showing faith and trust in the Almighty.
I am thankful that I was able to hold my mom and show her she isn't alone after losing her husband last year. Thankful that among the chaos of that ER visit a voice came over the intercom and prayed for everyone there. Quiet filled ALL of those rooms and chaos was taken over by the Holy Spirit. Thankful that for many that might have been their closest interaction with God.
Thankful that I am FREE! Not free from prosecution here on earth or judgement from so many. But for the first time in years I can breathe and I can be free and I am REDEEMED!
Yes I am beyond thankful. You see this storm is His perfect storm that He designed for me and everyone else to show our faith and love in Him.
My beloved find thanks in all things He has placed upon you at this time. His grace and His sacrifice are the ultimate blessings.
Both riches and honor come from You, And You reign over all. In Your hand is power and might; In Your hand it is to make great And to give strength to all. “Now therefore, our God, We thank You And praise Your glorious name ..” ... (1 Chron 29:12-13.)
  .. indeed it came to pass, when the trumpeters and singers were as one, to make one sound to be heard in praising and thanking the LORD, and when they lifted up their voice with the trumpets and cymbals and instruments of music, and praised the LORD, saying:“For He is good, For His mercy endures forever,” that the house, the house of the LORD, was filled with a cloud ... (2 Chron 5:13.)

Daughter's morning tantrums, husband's loud snores, battery dead on a morning when I am already late....etc
"Lord I give thanks!"

In love and faith,
Kristie

Who Am I???

So my therapist thinks it's a good idea to make lists to outline my day and my future goals. Now the OCD in me is in full throttle. However the "wanting to hide under the covers" in me doesn't understand the meaning behind it but hey what do I know? I am part crazy.
So everywhere I turn there is a new list. Your standard grocery lists, kid`s activities, prayer lists, and to do reminders. Then I am assigned to do a daily list plotting out my day hourly so I can't be the "depressed under the covers" girl. 9:00-sweep floor. 10:00-wash clothes. Well I am sure you get the picture. Than I have the "future" list. My five year plan and my ten year plan. I told you my OCD it's in heaven. But what do all these list say about me. So I started.... yes another list. "Who Am I?"

1. I am obsessed with my dog. Sometimes she feels like my only and bestest friend.
2. I am addicted to Instagram.
3. I am a fixer. I want to fix everyone's problems.
4. I am a mother of two amazing and perfect children.
5. I am too honest with my children and tell them everything.
6. I hate coffee or any other hot drink.
7. I am a sinner.
8. I love reading the Bible but have a hard time remembering verses.
9. I have two tattoos.
10. I am uber shy.
11. I LOVE food.
12. I love having lunch with my kids at school so I can be the cool mom.
13. I love lists. :)
14. I cry at the drop of the hat. Seriously I can't stop crying.
15. I have always secretly wanted to be a daddy's girl.
16. In church every time I hold my husband's hand I close my other hand imagining Jesus on the other side.
17. I am obsessed with raunchy CW vampire shows.
18. I have the voice of a 7 year old girl yet really believe I missed my calling as a rock n roll singer.
19. I really want to write a book.
20. I am a thief.
21. I am overwhelmingly in love with my husband and get tingly every time he comes home.
22. I actually give good advice.
23. I get really depressed.
24. It takes me falling down for me to realize how many people want to lift me up.
25. I am a child of God.
So this is me and still not even close. I could list a million more things. If you have defined me by one of these things then you have done yourself and me an injustice. That is my large take away from my sessions this week. Only God can define me because He made me. He knows every part of me and my soul. My desires, my fears, ALL of my sins, all of my loves...and He accepts me. He Loves me. He made me. He knows that I can still love and worship Him while failing Him and everyone else. So while my lists continue to grow so does my love for Him and myself. Who I am will never be complete until He makes me complete.
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." Psalm 139:1-6

In love and faith,
Kristie

Are you a doubting Thomas or a Peter?

Are you a doubting Thomas or a Peter in the eyes of God?
For the first time ever I went and saw a movie by myself. Ah the horror! I decided I needed some spiritual therapy so I went and saw Son of God. Sweet Philly offered to go with me but I really wanted to just take it all in by myself. So here I am in the middle of a beautiful day hiding in the dark all by myself. Literally all by myself. No one else in the theater but little ol me. I have to admit it was just what I wanted because I knew the flood gates were going to open.
It was amazing just as expected. Also it was moving, touching, encouraging, and horrifying. Horrifying to see what my Savior went through for little ol me. For all of us.
The big take away was the disciples. I will be first to admit that I don't know the complete history of all of these men yet the fascinate me. It was no accident who Jesus chose to walk with Him in those final days. More intriguing is how completely different they all were. From the beginning of introduction to their Teacher until the end these men were so internally different. Each beginning and ending on a different path.
I then realize that in the many seasons of my life I have been just like all of these followers. The season of Peter who would fight anyone to protect His belief in Jesus to only deny Him in the end when things get too heated. The season of John who selflessly loved the Father and carried the Word to anyone who would listen. I have been the doubting Thomas who has not only doubted that God can move mountains but also doubted that God could forgive me. I hate to acknowledge that I have been a Judas. Sacrificing all that I love and know to be true for a few gold coins.
Oh how I have loved some of my seasons and been appalled by others. I have a new season of my life that I am entering and I desperately pray this one sticks around. During this time there is one that I would be honored to be like. She is what I believe to be the first true woman follower of Christ. The sweet adoring Mary Magdalene. I want to be the one who drops everything to be at the feet of Jesus. I want to be the one who believes that He can raise me from the dead and deliver me to salvation. Besides John and Jesus's mother; Mary was the only one who stayed with her Lord until his last breath. I can not imagine the tears she wept. I love that He chose Mary to be the first one to see His resurrected body. The fact she was still visiting His tomb to grieve the death of her Teacher shows her commitment. He knew that there was no one who would believe the sight of Him more than her. All others doubted but the faithful Mary. That is who I want to be. The all loving and consuming passion she had for Him is so beautiful and encouraging. I want to keep that passion.
No matter what season you are in He loves us. We are not defined by what we have done our where we have been. Rather we are eternal children of the Messiah. Won't you follow him?
"Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:42

In faith and love,
Kristie

What will you sacrifice?

With all of this extra time on my hands I have been able to do a lot of reading on Lent this past week. This religious act has always intrigued me but this ol Baptist girl doesn't know a lot about it. I just knew it started on Ash Wednesday and was right before Easter. I also knew that many people choose to give up  something for 40 days to honor Jesus.
I have to say I find it pretty captivating. The idea of sacrificing something you "need" or desire to represent what Jesus sacrificed for us. I then began to ask around and see what my peeps were giving up. Chocolate, coffee, tv, and the usual things we need to just make it on a daily basis. One friend said she was going a different path this year and going to do 40 acts of kindness which I LOVED.
So I have been thinking of what would I sacrifice? Now the realist in me realizes that I am too mentally unstable right now to give up coke. No worry on giving up food since I can't keep an appetite. I mean at this point let's just be thankful I don't smoke because I have so much anxiety. I couldn't dare give up my writing since that is they only thing keeping me sane. So I decided to take a different approach and give up something emotional.
WORRY....... The vain of my existence right now. There isn't one second that my mind and heart aren't in a constant  battle about what is happening to me now, tomorrow, next week, next year, etc. Worrying about what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I am going to do. It is literally driving me crazy and it is keeping me from my Lord. So I give up worry for 40 days. (That makes me worry just saying that.)
You see I have been trying to imagine the worries of our Father before his crucifixion. If anyone had the right to worry wouldn't it be Him? Not only just thinking about His own death but carrying the weight of all of our sins on His shoulders. Every prayer and every plea to God in those final days was for us. WAS FOR ME!!!! Now my Savior wasn't worried about how Kristie was going to pay her bills. He was worried about my salvation. Everyone's salvation. Then he sacrificed His own life for ours.
So for 40 days I am letting it go. My worry is keeping me from trusting in Him. No more worry. Not about what job I am going to find. Not about what penance I am going to have to pay for my sin. No worry about how we are going to pay our bills this next month. No worries on what people are thinking about me. I am not going to worry about if they forgive me now will they judge me later. No worry about the ones who think I can't really be a true Christian because of what I did. No worries about the ones who believe my sudden desire to share God's word is because I got caught. I just can't keep worrying. My life is beyond blessed because of Him and my 40 day sacrifice is to constantly believe that His sacrifice is all that I need.
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they.....But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:25-34

In faith and love,
Kristie

5 Things That Made Me Smile

Instead of woe is me how about some happy thoughts? Even in our darkest hour God brings us stabs of joy to remind us that every moment is fleeting. Just because I am in a dark moment doesn't mean a bright one isn't to follow.
1. Watching Phillip play basketball with his 8 year old look a like was so humorous. Especially those dozen are so times he dunked on his own child to "teach" him what real skills are. No one dared mention that the goal was lowered.
2. My beautiful and brutally honest daughter creating me two prayer boards. One that focused on me finding a new job with pizza delivery at the top of the list because we all love pizza. The second was ways to stop sinning so God won't be disappointed. Ouch!!!
3. My fluffy old kitty, KiKi, came out of a 4 yr hibernation this week. This cat has literally been hiding in our closet since the passing of one of our other cats. In the middle of a crying fest she came strolling into the living room and let out a series of meows that I had never heard from her. I assume she said one of two things. Either "Ok if I can face this long hallway you can face a few dark days" or "will you please wash some clothes because there is no where for me to walk!"
4. Sweet Jocie Bell had a rough night last night with all the trees and grass coming back to life. Her cough becomes uncontrollable. So somehow in the wee hours of the night she ends up in my arms as I am sitting upright on the couch. As I stroke that golden hair my sweet tinker bell lets out an explosion of a gas pocket (nicest way to describe it). I bust out laughing and shaking like Santa Claus. Her body starts to shake along with mine as a reflex which only makes me laugh more. She then wakes up sleepy eyed and says "that would have made daddy proud."
5. First visit with my therapist today. Yes therapist....He asks me if I have been crying a lot as I am sitting their crying. Very observant man. Then he asks "have you ever thought about exercising?" Oh we have so much to learn from each other.

On a side note I can not express thanks enough to all the amazing people that have sent me sweet words of encouragement. Prayers much needed and appreciated.

In love and faithfulness,
Kristie

RAW

Toughest week of my life....UNDERSTATEMENT....but I am here. Breathing...living...and just being completely raw. I was having lunch with an amazing friend this week and as she comforted me with love, mercy, and forgiveness she said the most beautiful thing. "The most truthful and loving moment anyone can share with God is when they are completely raw." I just can't shake that comment.
A week ago my life fell apart. Something I knew would always happen happened. A secret, an obsession, a compulsive sin came to light for the ones I love to be blinded by it. In a totally selfish and weird way I am so glad it is over. The curtain was pulled back. The veil was lifted. It honestly felt like the weight of a thousand tons was lifted. Of course a new burden fell upon me. You know the simple inconvenience of having to tell everyone you care about a horrible truth. The shame and the embarrassment is still overwhelming. Having to tell your husband something you have kept from him for years is pretty indescribable. The look of disbelief and the sound of gasps from friends who have been your friends forever. Yes I am completely raw.
He never left me though. He actually made me stronger. His words became more clear and the Spirit became my lifeline.
"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
He was a true Father comforting His child in need. His love never failed. I can only pray to be that loving and forgiving of a parent. His love overflowed through my loved ones who forgave me before I even spoke. I don't deserve such kindness.
This hardship is obviously not over. Not even close. This isn't a time when you can just say sorry.
But in a way it is over. The worry, the fear, and the hiding are gone. My friend was right. When everything has been completely stripped from you; the only thing you can bring to God is yourself and that is a beautiful thing.

In love and faith,
Kristie