Super Mom (minus the m)

I had planned on writing this entry on Friday because it was a great day. It was one of those rainbow and butterfly days where everything was aligned just perfectly. I planned on talking about the greatness of the word "mommy". How it gives us purpose in this chaotic world we make for ourselves.
But let's face it; few of my days could every be classified as rainbow and butterfly days. Friday came and went in a whirlwind of happy voices and a lovely family date night. Then came in Saturday like a tornado. Full of late for soccer games, hurt tummies, arguments after arguments, no toilet paper anywhere in the whole house, and all the messes and spills in between. If Nickolas said the sky was blue then Jocie thought it was purple. If Jocie thought the grass was green, Nickolas was sure it was red. Yeah that kind of day. I am sure there isn't a mommy out there who can relate.
So here I am writing this entry in my car at the park. Philly came home and I gifted him with a peck on the cheek and two grumbling kids. I am spent. Tired of this day and tired of these ups and downs that I have created.
When Nickolas came home after school Thursday he immediately went to work on a secret project. 30 minutes I received this masterpiece. He said he had the idea all day long while he was learning shapes and thought I was a super mom. He purposefully left out a m in mommy because he thought the number of letters at top should match the number at the bottom. Ah a child after my own heart!
While I totally discredit the "super" portion of this art; I am in love with the mommy part. It really is the greatest word I can ever hear. Wether it comes from a happy cuddly voice or a tearful voice it is still pretty darn fantastic. I secretly hope that word never mutates into the "mom" form. Yuck! (I still at the age of 38 say "mommy" to my own mommy.)
My heart has been so saddened by so many things that have happened this week and they all involve tales of mommies. One started her first chemo treatment. One took her son for his 4 year old wellness visit to hear the words tumor and cancer immediately after. One got a call from her daughter who is a mommy to say that her 3 year old has also been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. One mommy right now is lying in a hospital bed suffering from pneumonia and blood clots from cancer as you read this. Oh how that sweet awesome word brings heavy commitment, enduring love, and sometimes deathly heartbreak.
Then there are the other mommies who have no care for their children our concern for their well-being. There are  mommies out there like me who try to be amazing caretakers but somehow lose sight of their children's needs and place selfish ambitions in front of them.
The world is full of mommies and you are priceless. You were created for a purpose and God entrusted life unto your hands. Soak in that word my friends. Soak it in on rainbow and butterfly days and then again on cloudy stormy days. Let your children know how that word makes you feel. Sometimes I want to keep track and count every time I hear it. I want to remember every memory associated with it. The ones that make me smile and the ones that have me blowing my hair out of my face, waving my hands in the air, and wondering what I am going to find when I find that voice that called out to me.
Let's face it our days are already numbered and so are the times we hear that word. For whatever reason our mommy status could be fleeting. I weep thinking if in the next year or so I could be imprisoned and not hear that word. Will it be a day, a month, 6 months, my God a year or more? What will I do? Who will they call out to? Tears are dripping down my face not just for selfish me but for all the super moms (minus a m or not) who are out there just battling with life. I pray for you, I adore you, I respect you, and trust me my sister I get you.

With endless love,
Kristie

Everybody loves a comeback story....

My Philly (Phillip to the rest of the world) is not a romantic. There are no flowers on a whim, poetic words, our surprise date nights with no kids. Yep not a romantic bone in this man's body. I did one time get a "just because" flower but the "just because" was actually he forgot the date of my birthday during a conversation. It was early in the relationship so I did cut him a little slack. Romance is not a spiritual gift of my Philly. I am surprisingly okay with that because he brings something to the table that I hold in reverence. He is honest. His word is his truth. I love you means I LOVE YOU and I am mad means I AM MAD. Thankfully and rarely do I get the latter. So when I have to go to my husband of almost 15 years and admit sin; "it's hard" is an understatement. "Well I just want you to know that I have been keeping a little thing from you that is actually larger than a mountain that includes stealing and lying for longer than you have known me." Let's just say love left that man's voice and heart and it was replaced with anger, hurt, and lost trust. Let me also just say that it had every right too. Yet it was still truth and it was deafening. When the silence came.....Yeah not so good. When you don't hear the emotions then you don't hear the truth and that is lonely beyond words.
Four days later when I heard that voice I think I finally exhaled. There was no anger just a man left heart broken but ready to forgive. A lot of tears shed and a lot of grace and mercy for a lot of betrayal.
That night when we lie in bed finally talking I felt comforted. Remember his words are truth. "We'll get through this." "I love you." "You would love and forgive me if a did a million times worse."
But then.....Romance. My Philly said something that pierced my heart. It took me weeks to have the courage to tell him how much it meant without crying. It took two months before I could write about it without crying. Yet I think of it and remember the truth in it every day.
As his eyes fluttered to a close and the snores started setting in he halted that quick sleep to whisper "Everybody loves a comeback story and I can't think of a better person to do it." Then off to sleep he went with me left crying in praise.
That truth he spoke was faith. Faith in me. Faith in us. And faith in God.
I honestly believe that the most romantic words that man just said to me came from the Holy Spirit. Not only did Philly forgive, believe, love, and have faith but so did my Father a million times more. 

"And through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him," Colossians 1:20-22

There is no romance greater than that between us and our Lord. It is pure Romeo and Juliet. He dies so that we may spend eternity together. It is cupid piercing our hearts with love for the One and Only. The Groom waiting for his bride so He can lavish her with love and mercy. His words are truth. My dear sweet beautiful friends whatever struggles...whatever pit....whatever sin is holding you down....He has faith in you. He has written a comeback story and He can't think of a better person to rise from the ashes.

In endless love,
Kristie

Thank you!!!!!!

Remember when before the first cloud was formed or the first wave crashed YOU already knew my name and the choices I would make?
Thank you
Remember when you gave courage to a 19 year old girl who pushed me out into the world of unknown and bonded our hearts tightly together?
Thank you
Remember when this frightened 7 year old girl ran far away from the trailer of terrors hoping to avoid the screams, the fists, and the smell of alcohol? You met her 100 yards away on a small hill of rocks and introduced yourself as a friend and comforted the fear.
Thank you
Remember when you showed yourself to me through friends and parents of friends who would welcome me into their homes and shelter me? Some never wanted to let me go and promised me possibilities of a happy future.
Thank you
Remember when on a dark lonely night  this 15 year old saw her mom once again creep in the night up the long winding driveway hoping to find a snoring monster? I was always told to not lock the car doors in case she found danger up the hill. In the silence I saw a flashing light and heard the clicks of locking doors to then suddenly be face to face with a man who literally was ready to kill me but couldn't get in the car.
Thank you
Remember when I was introduced to angels that night?
Thank you
Remember when the million boys I loved never returned the feeling? Now I know your unanswered prayers of true love helped me to not repeat the past of my mom.
Thank you
Remember the first night me and my mom were FREE. We held each other in a 600 square foot mansion and vowed to not return?
Thank you
Remember when I met him through you? He taught me love, truth, laughter, trust, and most importantly about YOU.
Thank you
Remember when the test said positive and I fell to my knees in praise and the first understanding of what I was created for?
Thank you
Remember when I came home with her bundled in my arms while running to hold the nervous toddler who saw this little sister as a threat. I then realized I was complete.
Thank you
Remember when I thought of you as the Father who loved me for the good and I avoided you when I did all the bad? You loved me anyway.
Thank you
Remember when 2000 years ago you were spread out on a cross deep in pain and weeping in sadness? You knew that in order for me to be saved you would need to be murdered.
Thank you
Remember on this day when you showered me with amazing grace, showed me your redeeming love, and whispered to my soul "It is done. I forgave so you can now live."?
Thank you

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he[a] predestined us for adoption to sonship[b] through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he[c] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

 In him we were also chosen,[d] having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory." Ephesians 1:3-14

With endless love,

Kristie

Unsteady Faith

I haven't cried in a week. I know amazing right???? I think I have finally turned a new path of finding some peace. It is only because of God's mercy and calmness that He has filled me with. However I don't know if I am ready for this new sense of hope....

I want to keep being RAW. I fear that if I don't stay broken that my faith will shift again. I don't want to lose this closeness.
How fickle our faith and walk with God is. I think during this Holy Week of all of those people laying down their palm branches. "Hosanna, Hosanna" they plea to the King. Then only a few days later the cries of "Crucify, Crucify!" Are we really any different then they were?
Our deepest darkest moments of guilt, despair, sin, worry, and whatever else boggles us down forces us to wave our palms in the air screaming "Save us, save us." Then our days go from hard to mediocre without too many complications. The Bible gets dusty, the heart gets a little more rigid, the hands don't lift in prayer or praise, and our tongues cease to call His name.
I imagine the many thoughts of our Lord as he rode into the city that day. How His heart must have broke every time He looked into the faces and saw the betrayal. "My children you know not what you will do?" Does He do the same with us? These past weeks I have been wrapped into such a tight womb with my Father. Does He know that I will slip away again? I always have before. I pray I am strong enough to not let one hour of silence turn into a day. A day into a week. A week into denial.
So yeah I miss being broken. I am scared that the flesh will want to take over and bury what the heart desperately needs to be fulfilled.
For now I hope to keep buried in His word and help the Spirit overtake the heart, the mind, and the flesh.
"My God how I fail each day. How I fall short of living the life I was called to live. But in this moment...when the house is filled with the Disney channel, soccer on the tv, cats knocking everything over, the dog barking at a bird outside, the clock ticking incessantly, the clothes spinning on dry for the 3rd time, and the dishes begging to be cleaned.....ALL is quiet. I long for this moment with you. This intimate time when my Father and I are intertwined in soft embraces and loving words. May I overcome the distractions to only be attracted to you."

For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than live in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; he bestows favor and honor. No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, happy is everyone who trusts in you.
Psalms 84:10-12

May you find a renewal and closeness like you have never found before on this Holy of Holy weeks.

Blessings, love, and peace
Kristie

Are you a 10?

I am curious at what age does the first signs of insecurity and unworthy begin to fester in our minds? I remember in my elementary years already having a sense of not being good enough compared to others. Whether it was social status or looks; I knew I was different. Do we all feel that? Is it a girl thing or do boys start those early complex issues too? Is it a lack of good parenting?
My beautiful Jocie and I are snuggled on the bed the other night watching what appears to be a very light hearted show. I am amazed at how quickly nothing turns into something when it comes to parenting. One child is confessing admiration about a boy to one of her friends and then her friend asks where does he rank from 1 to 10? The starry eyed girl emphatically places him at a 12. Then this beautiful innocence holding me so honestly says "I think I am a 1."
My heart shatters. Then I immediately go back to the memory of this shattered 17 year old version of me breaking plates on the side of a road because I too felt like a 1.
"Wrong answer" I say adding with a tickle. "Try again." I then see that toothless smile beam and I get "A 2 maybe?"
Another tickle and another "Wrong answer."
We then play tug off war with ticklish body parts until I get what I am looking for. As we go up the ladder of these numbers every "wrong answer" gets a more happier and higher tone of laughter result.
Finally..... We get "10 MOMMY I am a 10!"
Perfect.
"Why would you ever say you're a 1 Joss Bell?"
"Well I do alot of bad things like hit my brother (thank the Lord I didn't get I am not pretty) and disobey you and get really mad sometimes."
I then tell this perfection in my arms that she is just that. PERFECTION. I explain to her that God made us in His image and each of us He created with love and adoration. So when we rate ourselves a 1 we aren't putting ourselves down rather we are putting God down. Just because we dont make perfect choices doesn't mean we aren't perfect to Him. Do we really think He just didn't get it right this one time? Our perfect Father made a mistake with us?
Off she runs to another fairy tale and there I am alone soaking in the words I just spoke.
Did you hear that Kristie?
Ah to be a child who believes everything their parents say. I wish I could go back to that time because right now if you asked me...."Kristie is a 1!"
I wish I didn't fee leek like a mistake. I wish I didn't doubt the reason for me. I am going to be honest here. It has been 5 weeks and I can't even look in the mirror for longer than a minute. I haven't touched any makeup and I am just hoping that I am brushing my hair right. That woman in the mirror, that girl, is a total colossal mess right now. I just don't even want to see her.  How can this be who I am? How could I have deceived so many? How do I move on?
  "My God. I need you. I need to hear those words and believe those words. I AM PERFECT in your eyes. You created me knowing the choices I would make and yet you love me any way. This body, this mind, this heart is what you want in a daughter. You wouldn't have me any other way. Thank you for  making me broken so you can make whole. Your love is pure, sweet, and unfiltered. Help me to see me as you see me"
This morning she jumped out of the car to go to school and I said my usual "I love you and God does too!" Her response...."and I am a 10 and you are too!"
God is GOOD!

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16

With endless love,
Kristie

P.S. A marital dispute. When Philly heard our conversation he had a hard time understanding this. He didn't think it wise to tell her she was a 10 because it might create a conceited child. I of course disagreed and rolled my eyes. We aren't talking about beauty we are talking about loving ourselves even with our flaws. (Are you listening Kristie?) Maybe there is a huge gap in thoughts on this between men and women, boys and girls. However I sure I am right. Aren't we always? :)

There you are

I usually force my way in, crashing the lights on, pulling back the curtains, and forcing happiness in a tired voice. Not today. Not this morning. Not this time. Today I tip toed in and took it all in. I bent down and pulled back the covers trying to find that perfect face. There you are. I come across your hands first. Those beautiful sweet fingers and I pray that a million times plus some that those hands will come together in prayer and praise to our God. I pray those hands catch a thousand footballs, never physically harm another, caress the one and only love of your life, and hold many precious babies. I then find and gaze into that glorious face. That face right now that is eyes tight closed begging for a few more minutes of sweet dreaming. I know every freckle and every spark in those ocean eyes that make you my little twin. I pray those eyes see only pure, kind, amazing images that our Father has to offer you. I plead you never see the ugly in this world but when you ultimately do; may your heart swell with compassion and love for all of the afflicted and the ones causing pain. I pray to be around to see your face light up when you score your touchdowns, accomplish school tasks, meet your soul mate, and welcome your children into this world. I then gravitate my hand toward your heart. There it is. That beating. That strength. That life force. And I pray. Pray that all the hurt, all the happiness, and all the other never change this pure heart. Hoping that you will be a John of this world never leaving your Lord's side.  May the Holy Spirit guard it and never allow anything or anyone ever take it over. I gaze up into the heavens to pray for you more but then there YOU are.
The little bitty chaos that makes this world make sense. The little sister who has to be nestled in the same bunk beds as her brother to feel protected. You too are wrapped in the safety of blankets, pillows, and endless stuffed animals. I see that one toe peeking out first. Then I pray. I pray that those feet allow you to skip joyfully in this life. May they be light in your walk as your Father carries you through it all. May they dance a million times over whether it be recitals, school dances, the father/daughter dance at your wedding, and tons of twirling with all of your daughters. Your face is so full of light and hope that I immediately have to look at it. There is that smile. Even in your sleep you smile. I pray those lips kiss me endlessly and always whisper I love you even when we are gray haired women laughing at stories of your motherhood. I pray that smile blooms when your love for singing takes course, when you fall into a hundred crushes,  when you finally say "I do", and when you kiss a million boo boos. I pray that even in dark times that smile stays firm and vigilant knowing that good is in everything. Then I find that heartbeat. There it is. That beating. That strength. That life force. And then I pray. I pray that with every beat you come closer to your dreams and to following the will of God. I pray that the nurturing and sympathy that tightens your heart now over someone's tears will continue to have passion for all things and all people. I pray that you will listen to your heart. Listen to the call of God as it beats in you; guiding you to a beautiful truthful life. I pray your heart is more truthful than mine, more trusting than mine, and more loving than mine. I pray that your heart connects to a lover and then connects to the beginning of new life and new hearts formed inside you. I pray that you become a Mary of this world never leaving the side of your Teacher and keeping faithful when all seems lost.
All these things I pray. Then I crash the lights on, pull back the curtains, and speak happiness from a thankful and blessed mother.

In love and faith,
Kristie