Joyful Anitcipation

I remember the eve before Jocie`s birth. With me not being a patient person; it was surprisingly calm. Of course having her was like booking a hotel room. I knew months in advance this baby's delivery date since she was a planned c-section.
I picked date, time, doctor, and had no worries about packing that overnight bag. My Nickolas was a completely different story. Hospitalized two weeks before due date, no bag packed, no idea of what the pain was going to feel like, and constantly wondering how they are going to trust me with such a tiny thing.
Both times for me ended in such a sweet beautiful blessing. Each one happy, healthy, crying, and each with 10 fingers and 10 toes.
Right now it is 2 a.m. in the Carolinas and we are being consumed by rain. In a day we celebrate Jesus, His birth, His life, and His sacrifice for us. My mind of course keeps going to Mary. This young child who was about to birth the Savior of this world. What was she doing this night so many years ago. Wad it cold? Was it raining? How scared was she or was she consumed with joyful anticipation? When did she go from worrying about 10 toes and 10 fingers to the knowledge this bundle would be the sacrificial lamb?
How quickly she had to morph from a child to a mother of the King. Times have certainly changed. In this era she could have chosen to run away, be a single mom, not to have that child, or let someone else take the responsibility of mothering that baby. Thank goodness for God's timing. She did only what she knew her God would command her to do. Be faithful, be fearless, and deliver the promise to the world. There was no social media, easily accessible doctors, or gossip among the news outlet on what she should do. She followed her heart and her faith.
Not only did she carry the light and the truth but she was also carrying ALL of our burdens. Every lost child, every broken heart and promise, every death, and every sin was pressed upon her. Not in the way Jesus carried it but in the way a mother feels for her child's aches. She knew this little bundle was going to redeem all people by bearing their hurt and I have no doubt that became a heavy burden. 
I have joyful anticipation for every Christmas. A chance to see the magic in my children's eyes, share the Story with them, share blessings of our year. This year more than ever count what was lossed and find what we gained from it. Talk about Mary and how she stayed true to her faithfulness in God. I think about the beauty of the those first moments I looked into my children's eyes and counted those fingers and toes.
I pray about finding God's purpose in me through my children. How my failures, mistakes, and rare golden moments will prepare them for their mission for God. I have joyful anticipation listening to Mary in Heaven recount the birth story with such intensity and sweet fervor like all us moms do.
I pray you and your family have joyful anticipation about our Lord's birthday tomorrow. No matter what situation or season you may be in; may you understand there is a reason and a purpose. And above else may you give the glory to our Father for it all.

"So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:16-20

With endless love,
Kristie

I promise....

Dear Philly,

15 years! I just can't fathom it. Can you? I am sure you will be mortified that I am writing you a love letter on the internet but hey that will keep it timeless right? Besides you know it is easier to bare my soul through words than person.
My favorite line from one of my favorite songs goes "Your love is my turning page where only the sweetest words remain." That just describes so perfectly how I feel about you. If my life was a book I would never want you to not be a part of the next page. I would be eternally lost. After 15 years we have now shared 5,475 pages together. Wow!!! They have been filled with a lot of diapers, lots of snotty noses, wiped tears, laughter, laughter, laughter, too many episodes of Seinfeld, countless viewings of Armageddon, Shooter, and Gladiator. There's been tough losses for our Saints and worse losses for me at pretty much any game we have ever played especially putt putt. Tons of sunrises and sunsets, hot tub kisses (ok I'll keep it PG), and late night conversations. It has been an up and down amazing BLESSED life.
After some pretty incredible years; this year's been rough. I have royally screwed up and failed you and our marriage. Please know I don't carry that burden lightly. Yet you have loved me faithfully and dutifully. You keep moving forward with me.
A few weeks ago we had a discussion during a pretty tense stressful day and you asked, "can you just tell me why?" I said I would never be able to explain it but that isn't really true. In my heart and mind I thought I needed to take what wasn't mine so I could make people love me more by taking care of them and giving them materialistic things.  And when it came to you and the kids well I just wanted to make life easier for us. Provide you with less stress on the bills and give the kids more things. But now after even more of talking to my counselor, praying to God, and being very introspective I realize it's more than that with you and the nuggets. I thought I needed to give you guys more so I could be more. I don't know when my insecurity got bigger than me but once the devil saw that hole he tore it open. The sad thing is I let him. It doesn't make it right and this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" moment. It's just that me, myself, and I didn't think I could be enough for you all. You deserve so much more.
Then on Tuesday you and I were looking at old pictures and guess what I saw? This. 

In the beginning this was all I had to offer you. A broken girl who lived in a rickety trailer. It wasn't even mine just rented and I didn't even own one piece of furniture in it. Yet that was enough for you. I was enough for you. We were complete in that little shack sharing first stories, first kisses, and first promises. I never doubted who I was to you. You literally took me from there and kept giving me bigger and better. You gave me safe shelter. I don't know why but I lost myself somewhere and from that.
The symbol for 15 years is crystal and babe I am broke as a joke so you won't be getting that. But if I could I would give you a crystal ball so you could see how everyday in the future I will try my hardest to make this right. I promise. While everything around us is a complete mess right now God has brought me to a beautiful place. He has redeemed me, filled me, and released me. I promise I will make this right.
You are a rock star hubby Philly. You knock it out of the ball park when it comes to being a father. You sir are my turning page.
I'll leave you with this.
"For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17.
May we never celebrate an anniversary where we don't thank God for how he has blessed us.

4-Life,
Kristie Pea

Love Big

I have coined a new phrase. Okay I didn't create it but I am borrowing it with a few edits. I told you in an earlier post about how I love hearing Beth Moore speak. She can speak for hours and there is always one comment that pierces me. That is what happened a few weeks ago. "Love big or go home."
I am sure a few of you can relate to the theatrics that siblings carry out when they argue with each other. Nickolas, my 9 year old nugget, wouldn't hurt a fly and Jocelyn, my 7 year old, takes full advantage. She has pestered, picked on, and just been plain mean to the truest friend she has. She has already mastered the perfect sequence of buttons that can push him into a frenzy.
So I have been trying to teach them both how to love BIG. To love in an all consuming way that there leaves no doubt our intentions for each other. Jocie needs to love at all times and not when it is convenient for her. She can't pick and chose the moments she decides to love like Jesus. Nickolas needs to learn to love with no expectation and the knowledge that sometimes loving may not yield results. Loving can just be plain hard!!!
Beth Moore said "love big or go home" but I just don't think going home should even be an option. As Christians if we convey Jesus love then it is always flowing; no turn off handle. I think convenient love is the most popular route people take these days. I mean look at social media? We are able to get tons of likes and complimentary comments with no strings attached. We just have a very easy and simple unfollow button that gets hit too quickly.
Let's be honest relationships are hard wether it is between friends, families, lovers, and/or drivers on the highway passing you by. I think the devil delights when we fail or get failed by relationships. How easily pieces of our heart harden. The pain and disappointment just chips away and sometimes never gets replaced. Yeah the devil swoons while we mourn.
Granted there are some relationships that need to be abandoned because they don't grow in God but should the love lessen? Would we choose not to love if we knew what the end result would become? Do we pick who we love based on what we believe their "love us back" percentage is? How many of us love others only because it makes us feel about our choices? 

Choosing to love someone can be viewed as a big risk and loving big can be a sacrifice. But what if loving big is really the simplest and easiest way? Loving with no hopes to gain. Loving with no underlying motives to get more then your willing to give. Loving big like Jesus might be the glue that holds our tender hearts together and fixes the chipped pieces.
In the world of parenting I am just hoping for less name calling and even less crying when someone is bombed on Minecraft.
In the world of fixing myself I just want to love so enormously that no one ever doubts who my Father is.

With endless love,
Kristie

What Cancer Has Done To Karen

I don't presume to know anything about having cancer. How it feels physically or mentally. How scary it is. How hard it is to go through a daily battle of fighting something that lives inside of you.
I do know a woman named Karen and she has a story to tell. Lately I have felt this conviction about how each of us have a story that is worth writing no matter our backgrounds or daily life events. Each story is important to the glory of God. I will write more about that another time.
For now I want to share Karen's story through my eyes. Her diagnosis with breast cancer came quick and with a heavy punch. I guess that is the thing about cancer. It always has the upper hand in the first round.
For people like me we were all devastated, scared, and mad. Honestly so mad that this thing would strike someone so pure of heart. Let's face it our Karen is the Snow White of women. For me personally I was also selfishly worried. This lady is my go to for everything concerning my children. Besides my husband she is who I envision taking care of my kids if I couldn't. I wasn't ready to lose that.
So as fast as she spoke the word cancer it felt like chemo was quicker. Immediately this warrior was going to battle. The only way I can describe it is like a tornado. She just couldn't be slowed down. Not physically and not emotionally. Karen seemed to blast through every treatment with such velocity. Always smiling and always nodding that it was all good. Then she backs it up with her actions. This lady is having drugs pumped into her body and then without  missing a beat is at every birthday party, working constantly by teaching children, working out at a gym, serving her church community,  socializing with friends, and inviting friends over to feed them. Let's not forget to mention that she also continued to raise three; two adorable children and a husband. Unbelievable. I was tired just watching her. I think like many people we sat back with our jaws dropped and fingers crossed that one day she would slow down. We are still waiting on that. In some ways it made those around her feel worthless. We couldn't fulfill her every need because she was too busy doing it herself.
I was beyond blessed to spend more alone time than ever with her this summer. And sometimes it felt like I was lucky enough to be in the eye of the storm and catch a glimpse of what cancer truly was doing to her.
It was making her stronger. Braver. A fighter. An overcomer.
She lost her hair but she was growing conviction. Godly conviction that her life held a greater purpose than being defined by cancer. She was restless but had the energy and power of a momma bear protecting her cubs. Nothing was going to make her stop being the mom she already was. Always there loving and protecting them. She was tired but had more energy than ever to serve her community by giving of her time.
You see Karen is another classic story of how God calls you even in the darkest of times. He was stirring in her power that she never knew she had. I would have before referred to Karen as timid but that was changing. She was speaking her mind and a testimony was starting to form.
Karen and I after many years of friendship were finally able to break the barrier from daily conversation into full throttle God moments. We became prayer partners and were holding each other accountable for our thoughts and our actions. I will never forget sitting at a table with her as she was scheduling care for her children during her treatments and her telling me "I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you while dealing with this. What do you need?" That was our Snow White Karen.
You see during all of our stories it isn't what affliction, addiction, trial, and circumstance does to you. It's what God is doing for you. Cancer didn't change Karen. God did.
I truly believe she was seeing her worth through God like we were seeing her worth to us. I have no idea that the once shy Karen will be hard to hold back from speaking about beauty and mercy of God's love.
I choose today to write about her because she celebrates one of many victories today. Last day of chemo treatment. Can I get an Amen???? And in typical Karen style as if that is not enough on her schedule tomorrow she gets baptized. That's right in the midst of a tough fight this girl is gonna give ALL the glory to God. That's our Karen.
Can you please pray for her at this very moment? Praise the journey so far and pray for the other laps to go; clear scans, knowledgeable doctors who advise her best on surgery and if radiation is needed. Prayer for healing, recovery, and strength every time there is a check up in the future. Prayers for two kids that can find understanding and best behavior for their tired mamma. Prayers for a best friend husband who sacrifices more than we know to give her what she needs. Also as Karen would want every other person battling cancer especially all the beautiful innocent children.
I leave you with this last memory that has now been etched into my heart. Awhile back we were at dinner with our families and our familiar waiter asked if we were sisters. If you know the two us you know how ludicrous this is. Karen a slim, blond, blue eyed, smaller woman next to a black haired, blue eyed larger woman towering over her. Yet at that moment we didn't want to say no. I just quickly retorted "not by blood." I should have just simply said yes because she is my sister in Christ. Eternally linked together with intense anticipation to do some great partying in Heaven like only Karen can do. That of course will have to wait as she has way too much on her plate right now for God's kingdom. She is your sister in Christ also so get to praying and be faithful.
My dear Karen there will never be enough time here on earth to explain to you how you have inspired me. How you have inspired us all. Now go get em and OVERCOME!!!

I can do all things all through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

With endless love,

Kristie

Get Thee Up

As I entered the bible study on Wednesday I was drenched with anxiety. I don't do well with new people and when you feel like you are dragging a ball and chain of sin that doesn't help. However these special ladies promised me coke and Beth Moore. How do you say no to that? I am a huge fan of Beth Moore bible studies so I hid my insecurities and was prepared to take in the Word. One of my favorite things about Beth is she always says one thing that stabs my soul. To no fail she did just that and it took everything to hold in the tears. I just didn't want these women to wonder why the new girl was a wreck and what was her dark secret. Amazing the fear that the devil will seep into you when you let him.
So what did she say???
Get thee up.
It slayed me. Me, the woman who wants to hide daily under the covers and who seems to be fighting the darkness a little too much.
Get thee up. I can't out sin God's love. I will never be unworthy of His grace. It's time to fight. It's time to get up.
My group of ladies were beautiful inside and out. So sweet and accommodating. As I was walking out I had a step of pride but the devil tapped my shoulder and whispered "Not so fast." I immediately worried about what would happen when they found out what I did. Instead of the scarlet A I was wearing a T for "THIEF". Dang devil.
Then something weird happened. By weird I mean only designed by God. By something I mean YOU.
Be the end of the night I had been contacted by 5 different random people. Messages and calls of such outpouring. They weren't from my tight knit community either. These were from ladies I don't talk to daily and some whom I haven't talked to since my unraveling. It flooded in from nowhere. Godly inspired words of love, encouragement, and sweet sweet grace. It was simply overwhelming. I will always be thankful that our God placed me on your hearts on that day.
I don't want to sound boastful about this at all because it is actually very humbling. In fact I don't usually share with Philly these messages because it seems a little self serving. However the last one came right as we were about to slumber to sleep. I hear my phone beep a Facebook notice and me being a typical woman couldn't get to it fast enough. I make a snide remark about a "booty call" to which he laughs and exits to the other room. On his entrance back I am weeping my friends. I mean full on attack mode of the Niagara Falls. I try to read it to him but to no avail so I just pass it over. My frIends not only did you comfort me but you comforted him.
Then he rocks me. This man has to rock me to sleep. Never have I felt so deeply loved through you by God.
Get thee up!!!
So what should your take away be from this? Well I have three bullet points for you. (Yes it has come to that.)
1. Find, embrace, and keep a community of the faith. There will be a time in your life when you will need it. A cake from your neighbor may be all well and good but if doesn't come along with a scoop of love from believers it isn't the same. Your community shouldn't only be serving you but they should be filling you with the truth and building you in Christ. In the end that is ALL that matters. (May I just add a side note that this doesn't and shouldn't be exclusive to just your church friends. None of these outpourings came from my Sunday church crew.)
2. One thing can not and should not define you in the eyes of God and your community. It is hard to overcome sin and addictions. It is hard to move on and not see that choice in the mirror reflecting back at you. BUT it isn't you. Pay attention to what God whispers unto your heart and what your community scream at you. (Yes some have screamed! :-) ) You are loved immeasurably by a Father who allowed His own Son to die so He could spend eternity with you. No voice of judgment could ever nor should ever trump that.
3. Let someone rock you. Let someone nurture you. Maybe you don't have a parent or a spouse that is that selfless or physically able to. I never had a dad who kissed my boo boos and fixed my broken heart. Philly may not always be able to give to me that kind of love. But oh my friend I have been hugged, rocked, and comforted by the best. Let God soothe you. Kneel and pour it all out to Him. He wants you to lay it at His feet like sweet perfume. He will soak up the pain, the hurt, and the disappointment, and then He will say,
"Get thee up."

With endless love,
Kristie

P.S. To you five ladies; you will never understand what you did for me. I was able to breathe one more day. Thank you.

P.S.S. Beth Moore bible study is Children Of The Day.

Happily Ever After????

My newest addiction? The tv show Once Upon A Time. It was either that or Forensic Files and after constantly imagining how I would leave evidence if anything ever happened to me I decided to go to the less morbid t.v. series route.
The show is actually a brilliant concept. The thought that we are all actually part a of a fairytale filled with true loves, honest friendships, knights willing to save us, and a promise of a happily ever after. I love to escape into the show after everyone goes to sleep in my house imagining my own story line and my happily ever after.
Right now the reality is I am not in a fairy tale. I sometimes do feel truly cursed. It's like the evil character Rumplestiltskin says, "All magic comes with a price." That can also be said of choosing sin over an honest and good life. It always comes with a price.
I knew once the nuggets went back to school that the emotional rollercoaster would be rough but wasn't prepared for this. I haven't been wallowing and have actually been very busy but the mind can be a powerful thing when it comes to guilt and fear.
The best way to describe it is like being on a shaky wooden raft going downstream. 6 months ago I fell down the waterfall. I survived!!!! It was a scary but grateful experience. You immediately think that it can't get any worse. Then there were times when the rocks were rough and other moments of just peaceful currents in shallow waters.
The past 3 weeks have been rugged, rough, turbulent, and never ending. Sometimes I want to just jump off this shaky raft and call it a day. But one thing is I am not is a quitter. I just wonder when will it end? When does the crash of rocks subside and I am left floating in a peaceful pond? (And with this I am just talking about the emotional uneasiness and not the physical results that I will have to endure.)
I feel like screaming and crying (which I always do) "I get it!!! I know what I did was wrong. Enough already!" I mean where is my godmother or my true love's kiss to get me out of this curse?
I am really just ready to wake up and move on.
The crazy thing is I KNOW that one day it will end and that there is a purpose for every moment I am on this ride. And I KNOW that I am not alone. Besides realizing that this amazing husband of mine is along for the ride; I am aware that my God has set this destination. He is in control of the ride and when it ends.
I need to remember that it isn't the raft holding me up but the grace and redeeming power of God. 

There is a happily ever after for me and it isn't made up of stories from a fairy tale. I have a greater tale of true love and being saved. I don't deserve an easy path for what I have chosen but I am not going to lie and say I don't pray for a quick resolve. That's the selfishness in us all. For now I am just holding on for dear life.

Blessings,
Kristie

Is today enough?

Reunited and it feels so good!!!
Can you say that about therapy without sounding more crazy?
With having a handful of kids this summer it has been impossible to have a face to face with my beautiful inside and out counselor. We have corresponded between emails but it isn't the same as sitting around a table with our bibles wide open and asking God to take a seat beside us.
Today her first words or really question was "Tell me what's been happening?"
Then with unexpected jitters I fill her in on the joy and chaos of my life this summer.
The joy of spending so much time with my two nuggets and seeing who they really are. Wether it be with their interactions with friends or watching them read a book on the couch; I have been able to sit back and observe. And to be very smug I like what I see.
I talk about these beautiful books that have been rebuilding my heart and helping me heal.
I gab about my mother STILL dutifully going to church with us every Sunday and praying with me.
I go on and on about friendships old and new that are showing me what being a grace giver means. Reunions with old friends who don't bat an eye when I tell them what I have done but rather extend a hand. Friendships that have been strengthened because time together allowed for truth talking. The fact that people are still allowing me the privilege of praying with them and for them.
She looks at me and says "Praise God and wow but one question??? Why are you crying?"
Ah the conundrum. I have to promise her that I don't cry every day...really I don't anymore...but what if??? What if tomorrow everything changes?
What if the fear of tomorrow comes back? What if people wake up and instead of it being one person who can't forgive me it turns into all of them? What if the desire to steal takes over my flesh again? What if the depression hits me again so hard that I can't wake up from it? What if the devil spits on my "choose joy" motto, swallows it up, and then fills me with despair? What if today isn't enough to get me through tomorrow? 

We talked, we prayed, we set up some self defense tactics, and posted some guard rails (more about that later), and then we read.
"Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin." Romans 4:7-8
"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..." Romans 5:2-4
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Choose JOY choose JOY choose JOY. And yes today is enough. Today is my success day. Today is my praise day. The church service, the family lunch, the nap, the kids playing on the trampoline while I snapped pictures, the girlfriend who sat on my couch to vent and then I prayed for her after she left, the funny texts that had me in giggles, the cereal we ate and loved it, the husband who coaches his son on football fundamentals while teaching him the rules of life, the girl who drenched me in tacky make up from one ear lobe to the other, the prayer for our family member marrying his lovely in Canada today, that yummy piece of cake I should have sliced a little smaller, the tucks into bed and celebrating our joy moments today, and now me writing you this.....ALL this.... it is enough. It will sustain me and carry me into tomorrow. Then tomorrow I will choose joy all over again.

With unending love,
Kristie

Ten things I want you to know as you start school.

Many tears will be shed this morning as we watch our little ones, medium ones, and big ones enter a new classroom today. This summer was too exceptional to say I am a happy momma now that I have peace and quiet again. The chaos, the laughter, the messiness, and all in between was sweet sweet therapy for me. I wish it didn't have to end.
Tonight as we tucked the nuggets to bed there was nervous tummies from child and parent. We prayed for safety, happiness, success, and the ability to share God's love whenever we see the opportunity.
There are a few things though that I want them to know as they start a new chapter.
1. I expect way too much from you and I hate myself for it. I want straight A's, perfect attendance, teacher's pet, the best liked, and great compliments as status symbols. I want these things more for me  then for you because I want to make up for all I did wrong. For all I didn't have. For some ridiculous validation that I am a great parent.
2. If you are none of these things above I will still think you are the most perfect thing ever created and have great pride in all you do.
3. There will be many many mornings I will fail you. I will blame you for being late or unorganized because...well that is the easiest thing to do. In fact it is my fault for not preparing myself spiritually and emotionally before I wake you up. The thousand red lights are not your fault and as soon as you close the car door I will be wrenched with guilt for not being a better mommy.
4. Every second you are away I will be lost without you. The saying "you complete me" doesn't even come close to how I feel when I am apart from you.
5. You actually are the bravest person I have ever met. I am 38 and get anxiety over talking to someone new. Yet we require that you make your way into a new world every year. Meeting new people, finding who you are, learning ridiculously confusing things, trusting new friends, and relying on an adult that isn't me.
6. I want you to be your teacher's favorite so you will be the most loved but in fairness I pray they will love everyone equally. I will not always agree with every teaching style and if they don't hug you I will be devastated but the truth is they have to be pretty spectacular as they selflessly share with me in the journey of raising, teaching, and protecting you.
7. I am so scared that one day you are going to come home and officially be smarter than me. Yikes!!!
8. There will be parties, field trips, awards day, and plays for years to come and there will be many times that I will not be there. Please never think I love you less then the mom or dad that is always there. It breaks me when I can't get away or be there to support you. I want to see your face beam when you are in that spelling bee. I pray one day you will understand those big sacrifices we big people have to make.
9. I selfishly pray that during the day God shelters you. I pray that YOU are the one spared from bullets, bullying, viruses, rumors, and all the other yuckiness that is around you. May a thousand angels wings cover you daily.
10. That first moment every day when I see you after our long separation my heart skips a beat. I hope too see a smile spread across your face assuring me that you made it through another day with success and once again I have you all to myself until tomorrow...

Best wishes to all parents, teachers, and little nuggets that are starting a new year.

With endless love,
Kristie

38 candles, homemade biscuits, late night drives....I choose JOY!!!

Oh how I've missed writing shaved reaching out to you over the past two weeks. This week my mind has been overwhelmed with thoughts and I realized I needed to just write on paper instead of bombarding this blog.
The beach was beautiful, my family was amazing, and friend moments were priceless but it was an honestly devastating week. Never have I been so low emotionally and at moments was weighted by guilt, regret, loneliness, sadness, fear, and an urge to just be done with this world. All this while watching your husband play with your children on sandy beaches is a very heavy heavy weight.
Luckily through this season I have learned true friendship is 3:00 am texts and calls sharing those burdens and having women sincerely praying for your life. Literally....
But this is about joy. It's about having faith in a Father I have never seen. Believing in a God that I can't touch. Breathing in unfathomable redemption from a Saviour. During dark moments or just foggy ones we are given glimpses of beauty.....sweet pure stabs of joy.
38 candles this week. 38 years here on earth and I still haven't figured it out. Yet even through failures and disappointments man am I loved. Your words, your cards, your flowers, and your hugs are overwhelming. Celebrations are fun when it is more than a party of one.
Ah my mom's homemade biscuits. Nuff said. They greatest pleasure of having my mom with us on vacation is her making me homemade biscuits. Philly would say it is the bacon. We will happily disagree. Her biscuits remind me of sweet childhood and all the sacrifices she had made for me over the years. It also is another display of how she will do anything to see me smile. I can't make her biscuits (I don't think she likes anything I cook) but in return I see the love my children give her and for awhile I like to think we are even. I see her laughing at their horrible jokes, attempting to boogie board with them, buying them unlimited tokens at arcades, and at night playing with my hair...I realize this is her happiness and I find sweet joy all over again.
In my younger more cool years I had a jeep. Let me tell you nothing is better than midnight jeep rides at the beach but this time I had to settle for a Hyundai with a sunroof ride. I love that Philly knows that is what I need and doesn't mind I am gone for hours. I expect he wants me to find my sanity. While I can't promise I found any sanity I did find clarity and was able to remember way too many reasons I need to keep living this chaotic life.
Choose JOY, choose JOY, choose JOY. I think I need a tattoo of this to keep it ingrained in me. A dear man this morning was preaching the faithfulness of God at church while in less than 24 hours he will be taking another chemo treatment for his cancer. He said "In the midst of fear and anxiety the only prescription is thanksgiving." I wept for him, I wept for me, and I wept for all the beautiful stabs of joy that are in my life.

With endless love,
Kristie

Half Circle

I would love for this entry to be called full circle. It would entail an end to a season of my life but we don't choose our timing. God does that. Thank goodness.
24 hours from now I won't be swinging on a park bench in 60 degree weather like I am now. I mean seriously it is August in the Carolinas. Can I get some warmth here? It has been a cold couple of days with rain saturating everywhere. I like to think God has it planned that way so I can see how much I need the warmth of the sun and Him.
Yep 24 hours from now I will be chilling at my "close to Heaven as your gonna get on earth" place. The waves, the sand, the sunrise, and my God.
I've mentioned a million times before how the beach is my go to God place. I find His presence there stronger than anywhere else. The natural beauty of it shows that God can create anything and bless us with it.
Our last meeting there was emotional and packed with fear and guilt. He warned me of what was to QUICKLY come.
In some ways it was easier than I thought it would be. My soul was lightened. I could speak truth finally. I have been more honest then I have ever been. I can finally get counseling and face these issues. I can see relationships getting stronger then I ever imagined.
In some ways it has been harder then I thought. People lost faith in me. I have never cried so much. I have been defriended, blocked, judged, have ruined/lost relationships that I never thought would be compromised and it still hurts on a daily basis. I take complete acceptance for all of it but it still hurts. Then let's not forget the whole probability of going to jail thing.
When the latter things enter my mind I try to quickly dump it. When it dwells the Devil festers there and he gets a kick out of it. The highest highs and the lowest lows. Just yesterday someone who I use to work with was telling me how another person assumed hubby would leave me. "How could he ever trust her or look at her the same again?" I did the classic smile and shrug it off but by the time I got home it was enormous!!!! "Why is he with me?" "What if I screw up again?"
As I have said before though the more time we spend with our Father the greater He equips us in all circumstances. Two steps into the door I emailed my counselor for prayer, texted my prayer partner in preparation for what it was going to do to me, and told hubby. I never would have exposed that vulnerable side of me before.
We all have the highest of highs and lowest of lows.
I expect to bawl as soon as I get the first second alone with my Savior on the beach which will most likely be sunrise. I don't expect it to be filled with fear like last. I will recollect over the past 6 months and focus on what still has to happen before it can truly be over.  There will be a lot of relief, pleading to still get rid of this guilt, and a gigantic amount of praise for all that has happened in this small amount of time; all of my stabs of joy.
Mother's baptism and going to church with us every Sunday.
New friendships.
Rekindling of old.
Strength in marriage.
No longer living in fear of sins and addictions.
The crazy amount of people I have met through this blog and being able to talk to other people who suffer from child abuse, food addiction, and stealing.
The strengthening of my relationship with God.
The awareness of how many idols I had placed in front of Him.
The ability to let those idols go and dive into His word when I feel like I am slipping.
The decision by the Danciu family to always choose joy.
The list could go on and on.....
I am going to be absent the next week and abide and rest with the Lord and this amazing family. (Probably the reason I have wrote so much this week.)
Can you please pray for safe travels, new lovely family memories, and for me? All of me? I do expect it to be emotional (of course) but hey I am a work in progress. Kristie and tears go hand in hand now.
I do expect that I when I see that first flash of brilliant color in the early morning to feel God's arms wrapped around me and hear His voice whisper "You've done well my child and we are half way there."

With endless love,
Kristie

Midway check in for a praying wife...

I don't believe in accidents. Everything happens for a purpose. There are no accidental pregnancies, no accidental diagnoses, no accidental meetings, and no accidental beginnings or endings. There are no things by chance.
I also strongly believe that there are no accidental nudges from the Spirit. That gut feeling you get when you know the difference between right or wrong. That instinct that persuades you to do something completely out of your comfort zone but let's you know it is for the glory of God. That is the almighty powerful Spirit advising, warning, guiding you to do His will. NO ACCIDENT.
When I began writing again I prayed that I could do it honestly and sincerely. I hid from it for so long because I know I would be a hypocrite. The first nudge I felt was to pray sincerely and passionately for my husband like I never have before. One of my first entries was about the immediate changes I saw especially in how he was leading us into our prayer life. I prayed for his health, his stress, and his ability to lead. I had no idea that I was praying for a man whose life was about to be turned upside down by me and my sin. But my God did. Again no accidental occurrences.
God knew what this man was going to need and how spiritually equipped he needed to be. My God, our God, is so good. Hubby took in my confessions and gave me back mercy, forgiveness, and support. He immediately went into the default mode of a servant of Christ. Later he would tell me that while his heart was breaking God was rebuilding it.
I continue to pray for hubby every night. How dare I not. The prayers change along the way depending on our current circumstances. Some are very simple such as ease his back pain to the ones that are scary like "Lord lead this man into unknown territory to do works that will honor you and serve people other then this family." Woo!!!! That's a hard one but it what the Spirit urges me to do.
This man falls asleep in two seconds and immediately my hand is laid on his chest covering his heart begging for God's grace to fall upon him.
I love when hubby comes home and energetically talks about something I just prayed for the night before. I have to hide my smile because I an not the one to get praise.
Over this 7 months of prayer I have become a better servant to him, a better listener, a better fan, a better partner, and without a doubt a more honest wife. It is refreshing to have a no holds barred conversation with your spouse. I see his trust growing in me too as I easily share my anxieties and fears.
It is amazing that while we pray more diligently about the needs of others He is in return strengthening and equipping us in ways we could never imagine.
Is this marriage perfect? Absolutely not!!!! But it is God's and that my friends is no accident.

'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' (Philippians 4:6-7)

With endless love,

Kristie

Scrapes, bruises, and deep scars

It has been a rough summer for the Danciu children. I don't know if we blame it on growing feet, uncoordinated legs, or no attention span but they are constantly falling. Scab after scab on those knees and elbows. The worst is when one is about to heal and SPLAT!!!! They trip over the sidewalk and reinjure the same spot.
As a mommy your heart breaks for them.  As a vain woman I hope Jocie`s doesn't scar. The good things about these wounds is that they are fleeting. They aren't caused by anyone else and they heal quickly.
Those deep scars are different. Ones formed by human hands, words, or failures upon you.
I remember my first bruises that have piled on deep scars....
I was 7 and my obsessive compulsion was starting to come out in full throttle. I was obsessed with bar soap and peeling it with my finger nails. The way I could shape that bar soap like I was whittling it into another form until eventual nothingness was so addicting to me. It drove my stepfather mad. Warning after warning he would give me to stop. I  remember not being able to stop myself.
Then one day I came home to a drunken mad man who followed through on his warning. He made me undress and draw a bath and then as soon as I entered the tub he threw countless bars of soap at me. He then pelted me with what felt like 50 bars and then forced me to peel all of them. Then came the real punishment.
By the time my mom came home she found a passed out drunk on the recliner and a 7 yr that was so badly bruised on her entire body she couldn't move. (I remember my mom trying to do something heinous in retaliation while he slept but thank goodness it didn't work.) I hurt so bad the next morning I couldn't move and couldn't go to school. Fear of my stepfather coming home from his third shift job made me hide in my dark closet all day still as a mouse with hopes he would think I was school.
I honestly haven't thought about that horrible memory in decades but some deep scars don't go away. Now as I evaluate what's going on my life right now those things creep in. I don't know if it is the work of the devil or God that takes me back to those times.
I realize even forgiving someone doesn't mean you can forget the actions. I don't use those memories to justify anything I have done but it does enlighten me on why I hide my compulsions/addictions (food, stealing, desire to be loved) so no else can see especially when I know how wrong it is. The fear of being judged, hurt, rejected is just too terrifying to be honest about it. It also helps me understand my aversion to bar soap. :) Sorry trying to find a little bit of humor there.
I think about my new scars I have created for myself and others I have wounded so deeply and once again I sincerely apologize to myself and to all of you. But scars slowly heal over time thanks to our Lord and Savior.
This memory I share with you is just a memory. It doesn't have sadness or remembrance of actual pain. It has gotten lighter over the years.
I pray that 20 or so years from now I am sitting on a rocker at the beach kissing some of the first boo boos on my grandchildren. And I know these new scars will be faded by then and will just become a minor story in the greatness of my testimony.
God is so great. He uses all moments of this sometimes wretched life to make us better. He heals us with His love and His unfathomable forgiveness. You see memories of being a beaten child don't bring out emotion in me but I think about my God and His daily love and His ability to renew me every day......well that drops me to my knees.
What are your deep scars? Are you having a hard time finding healing and giving forgiveness? Is it worth another moment of anger or tears?

I pray for you my friends that we soon rejoice in the days of the Kingdom when our scrapes, bruises, and deep scars have been washed clean.

With endless love,
Kristie

To Be Less....

I have fallen in love with the Bible. Can I say that without sounding fake or snooty? The Word of God had brought new life and new understanding for this once confused and lost girl.
Insight is a truly freeing experience.
I have always admired John The Baptist. The man paving the way for the ultimate attraction whose name was Jesus. It always seemed to me he was the opening act getting everybody revved up. "Hey you think this is something? Just wait and see what this next guy is going to do?"
The cool thing about John is he was ok with that role. He wasn't traveling the roads from gig to gig to get noticed. No. He was satisfied in bringing the crowds in and promising them a better show, a better way, a better life was to come.
In John 3:30 John tells the people for Him to become greater then he needs to be less."
Me being the person who had no clue that every word, every action, every period and comma was meant for me was blinded to the fact  that I am the one to be less so my God can be MORE!!!
I assumed it was John just saying I don't mind getting the glory and hiding in the shadows just as long as my Lord gets noticed. Yet even as ancient as those written words are they were exactly for me.
I have held this verse closely after reading about it in Love Idol.
I am to be less. My life is to be less. The "things" are to be less. Anything holding me away, or anyone for that matter, from the brilliance of our Father needs to be diminished. A fire that is to be extinguished so the breathe of God can fill the air.
So what exactly do I need to lessen?
Any desire that I hold onto which can make me feel better or more fulfilled. The desire to be loved. The wanting of forgiveness from human hearts. The hopes of not being judged by anyone. The need of being respected and held in high regard.
Then there is the anxiety that crushes me on certain days. The moments when I am completely overwhelmed and instantly drowning in darkness over circumstances that I have never and never will be able to control.
The worry of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
The materials of this world that tell people I have succeeded.
The doubting of my own self as I ponder will I every be good enough again? A good mom, a good worker, a good friend, a good wife, a good follower of Christ.
These things, all of these things, have become idols in my life. There have been many a time when these things have stopped me dead in my tracks. They have and still do take precedence over the TRUTH.
I am greatly loved. Forgiven. Perfectly made with a purpose. Perfumed with the grace of God. Granted an inheritance that no earthly wealth can compare too. 

I have used this blog as a way to shout out my true repentance and grief to only selfishly hope that PEOPLE can forgive, understand, and foster me in my desire to not feel alone.
These past few weeks I have continued to rest and abide in Him. Still writing everyday but only to Him. Loving on my children, family, and friends in such an intense yet private way.  Trying not to exploit what is perceived as fake happiness. Taking one step in front of another and crashing, breaking, stomping on every idol along the way.
I try daily to make it less about what can I do to make things right again but more about how can I grow and thrive in this relationship with my God.
Each day is a new day. I start all over again. We start all over again. Each of us trying to lessen the hurt, the anger, the sins, the desires, and the other idols that bondage our life.
How did you do today? Did you succeed or did it all falter by lunch? I didn't even get the car cranked yet before I was consumed by a few of those pesky idols.
I can't wait for the day that I am so small in my own ego that all I ever see is God and His goodness, love, and mercy for me. 

I pray this makes sense to the ones who need it and the ones who truly believe in my words. I am shocked each day when I see the ones reading this. I realize some are the false followers trying to find holes in an already shaky testimony. I get that. Breaking news for you!!!! I am going to fail and fall about a million more times so don't worry about missing my downfalls.  But those of you that sincerely take this all in and understand it...I love you!!! This is real and you, I, we are not alone in this walk of rehabilitation.
We have a great journey ahead. Just wait!!
Pray with me as a community of followers that every moment when an idol puts us in a choke hold that we have the power and foresight to increase our focus on our Father. Let us be less important so He gets all the praise throughout our days.

With endless love,
Kristie

A Thriving Family

Kids are getting tucked into bed. Prayers said and kisses made. The last thing we do as a family is say a blessing of the day. The typical repeated responses are "seeing our friends", "daddy coming home early", "spending the day as a family". So hubby and I had to chuckle when Nickolas` response was an over exhausted "I'm just happy we survived through this day!" Hubby then adds "Buddy we didn't just survive, we THRIVED."
Have you ever had one of those days....
12 hours earlier.....
One child so exhausted that he sleeps until 10:00. Usually that is a Hallelujah day but today is a church day. Get him up and moving and the other child gets tummy sick. No church for us.
The next two hours is a frustration of dog tearing up stuffed animals, cat leaving me a gigantic hairball as a gift, and if I have to sweep this floor one more time. It felt impossible to find one second of alone time. Then I become rattled as to why in the deepest muck of mess hubby is nowhere to be found. Ah men!!!! I find him hiding in garage looking for a tool. A tool. My hubby!!!! To which he says "I am really busy can you put a pizza in the oven since I am busy doing stuff?" 1..2..3..BREATHE. Pizza goes in oven.
Twenty minutes later after cleaning up something else I realize I probably burnt the pizza since hubby hasn't checked on it since he clearly can't find ANY tool in the whole garage!!!! 1..2..3..BREATHE
Ah no burnt pizza. In fact no cooked pizza. Just a cold pizza sitting in an oven that clearly isn't working.
****Truth moment****
A few months ago I would have not despaired about this. Not because we would have had the money but simply I would have in under a minute developed a deceiving plan on how I would have stolen enough money to buy a new one. With the deepest desire to not stress hubby out I would have convinced him how I had extra money in a savings account that I was saving for a rainy day. Heck I probably would have gone online and already purchased a new one before I dare leave him to have to deal with another bump in our life. First real anxiety attack came on hard.
Thankfully I couldn't do the above mentioned today. All I have left is a small balance in a checking account, an addiction that thankfully God took away the resources to feed it, and my truth. 1..2..3..BREATHE
I enter the garage to find hubby (yes still looking for something) and I don't see the man who was annoying me a few minutes earlier but I see the man who has  worked so hard in keeping us a float and worked so hard at forgiving me. "Um babe about that pizza. First just remember God is in control and there isn't nothing we can't handle." (Was that really for him or me?) I tell him about the oven to which he says "ok I will check on it in a sec after I find something. Can I have a sandwich instead?"
Wait what????!!!!! Maybe the fumes in the garage made him delirious. Or this is a tool made of diamonds that will answer all our prayers. Or he is so hungry he can't think straight.
Or maybe the problem is and always has been me.  I assumed hubby was the one who would be on his knees right know thrashing his fists in the air screaming "not again God." Theatrical? Yes. Did I really believe he would? Sadly yes.  Maybe all these years not only did I doubt God but I also didn't believe in hubby. I never truly gave him the opportunity to fulfill his role in this family.
3 hours later included a quick Google search, a hardware visit, a $15 purchase, a wife believing no way can this work, a fight about if you could still cook the pizza on the grill, and a perfectly working stove. God is good!!!
So yeah this family thrived. We made it through another ordinary day like everyone else in this world. Some of us face small hills with the courage of a mouse. ****cough cough ME****  While there are others facing mountains with the courage of a lion.
It was a victory for me no matter how insignificant it seems. At the end of every choice you are still left with God working it out. You can choose to let Him be in charge from the very beginning or eventually waiving the white flag  in the end when you surrender it all.
This family didn't just make it through today. We loved. We believed. We thrived.

With endless love,
Kristie

There's A Change In The Wind

Something is happening. This past week I feel different. My soul feels different. Instead of my mind racing and my heart breaking; I feel a tug of change. And my friends I am starting to rejoice in it.
The Spirit is calling to me with gentle words and emotions.
Abide
Rest
Breathe
Surrender
Motherhood
Joy
I don't know the reason for this calmness but I am not going to fight it. Maybe the routine of the past four months is finally  becoming habit. Could be the dozen books I have read that ranged from food addiction to finding joy in everything are starting to make sense. I know the daily time in His Word has calmed me. The community I have engulfed myself in has shown me what true grace and friendship is.
The Spirit is growing in me and slowly erasing the pain of horrible choices I have made. I find myself not wanting to or having the desire to repeat the past mistakes.
God is telling me to slow down in every area of my life.
To ABIDE in His love for me. Soak it in.  To finally understand how much I am His and nothing can ever change that.
To REST in His word at any moment. Whether it be the urge to purge on food or drown in my guilt and shame; I can find answers and encouragement for my daily living.
To BREATHE in the beautiful aroma of friendship among my community of women. Let's face it I have sucked these past years as a friend. I have lied, gossiped, envied, and devalued each and everyone of you at one point or the other. I have been given more grace than I deserve. You have equally laid your sins in front of me and we have begun a new promising God filled journey together.
To SURRENDER the anxiety of what tomorrow holds. Will I find a job? Will I be prosecuted? Will I be imprisoned? Not a day goes by my mind doesn't wonder. Yet each day I am closer to the end then I was the day before. Closer to finding resolution that I know I justly deserve.
To find peace in the beautiful mess of MOTHERHOOD. Realizing that these children need a mom who can live and accept the NOW of life. I have been blessed with a few months of just being a mom and for the first time really understanding that is all they need and want. Not a closet full of clothes. Not a new pack of pokemon cards each day. Not a weekly trip to Target to get another doll. They need me and I can teach them about sin, forgiveness, grace, and redemption. 

To find JOY in all of the above and then some. Joy in the temper tantrums. Joy in that when I pray my praises are so much more than the number of sins. Can I get a Hallelujah for that? Joy in not worrying about being wrong or right. Knowing we are all wrong and moving on. Joy in finally losing 10lbs. WOOHOO!!! Joy in this marriage that continues to be rejuvenated by God's gracious hand. Joy that my mom wants to date again. YIKES!!! So many joys.....
Can I pray for you? Can I pray that whatever obstacle, sin, addiction, and or issue that you have; that you feel that gentle tug? God is merciful and redeeming and powerful. He can help you overcome any pain, guilt, hurt, or anger that you have. At the end of the day, at the end of our life He is the only One who can provide a pasture of rest among the weeds.

With endless love,
Kristie

A MVP Mom

Yeah I totally rocked it today. One of those rare days in motherhood when everything you say brings a smile on your child's face. A day where you don't have that "mother regret" that you aren't enough for your kids.
God was just on my side today. I woke them up with a happy happy song. I got them to vacation bible school on time. We got surprise milkshakes. I watched 2 hours straight of the World Cup without one comment about how cute the men were just so my son would be impressed. Jocie and I belted out some sick tunes on the old guitar that neither one of us can play. (We don't know pitch either.) There wasn't one cry, one hurt feeling, eye rolls, or annoying grimaces. I didn't pick up the phone once to compare my lives to others of the Instagram or Facebook world. **** insert applause here-signed autographs later ****
We are a HUGE sports family. If there is a ball then we are playing it and we are watching it. My Philly of course says I get too emotional for the losing teams and also when one person is declared a MVP. It seems to me that usually the MVP is the person who is the most popular on the team. The one who already has the shoe contract and the cereal commercial. But what about the unsung hero? The glue who keeps the team together or the person who puts their heart and soul into every game. Okay so maybe they don't have the highest batting average or the best record for free throw percentages but they fight the good fight day in and day out.
You see as of right now it is only 7:30 so I am sure to end this perfect mommy day at any second. Once I announce bedtimes then anything could go. 

We mommies strive so hard to make every day a perfect day amidst the chaos. We are there glue that keeps the family together. The heart and soul of the family unit. Us mommies fight the good fight day in and day out. We should be called MVPs everyday.
Days like today are the ones I hope they remember. The happy mommy ones. Not the ones where I raised my voice way too high or where my eyes were glued to the hot vampire on TV. My fear is they reminisce over the bad.
If you listed my stats on a mommy trading card they might be dismal. High in yelling and low in patience. Thank the Lord though that as mommies and daughters of Christ we get this clean slate every day. No matter how bad our record is one day; we get the chance to improve and be forgiven the next.
I wish I had all of you on my team. You all are MVPs in my heart and in God's. The foundation we are laying for our kids makes us all incredibly important to the outcome of their life. Of course we have the best coach EVER in God our Father.
GO TEAM MOMMIES!!!!

With endless love,
Kristie

Sunday Praise

My Lord,
I couldn't sleep. You were teasing my mind with a million thoughts and they were all about ways to worship you. I grumbled. Then took the excited dog out to find this waiting for me....

My loving God. THANK YOU!!!!
I don't spend enough time praising you. I don't relish in the simple joys you give me. I forget to breathe in the beauty of God's love and exhale the burdens of my day. 

This week was spectacular.
You graced me with beautiful puffy clouds filled skies.

I was blessed to have a play date every day with these nuggets. There was no lack in laughter, love, and fun.

I was able to celebrate with friends over joyous moments. The shrinking of a tumor, a new house, a new job opportunity, and the ability to rekindle an old friendship. All of which you receive all the glory.

It reminds me of David and how he poetically praises you for everything you touch. For everything you create. For all that you do.

May my worship never decrease as your love never ceases to amaze me.

"Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory in the heavens. Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet: all flocks and herds,
and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas. Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!" Psalm 8

With endless love,
Kristie

From Bondage To Freedom

Oh my friends these chains are heavy and I am tired. I don't think I was naive and thought that once things became exposed that dealing with it would be quick and easy; a shake of the hands and a quick exhale. However I didn't realize my days would STILL be so up and down like a roller coaster. Happy highs and low lows.
Sometimes I don't think you realize how tightly bound you are to things until the moment you try to be free from them. It is truly difficult to go from bondage to freedom.
No one can explain it better then Paul in Romans 7:15-25. "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate....For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what it right, but not the ability to carry out....wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!..."
My man Paul. I totally get it. We ALL know what is right and yet we ALL do what is wrong. My encouragement comes from the fact that Paul (aka A Murderer) can be transformed and forgiven to then become one of the greatest warriors in spreading the Gospel. You hear that???? A murderer who was forgiven, redeemed, sanctified, and yet he still dealt with daily temptation while fighting the good fight. Our God is so good.
We ALL have "things" that bind us and keep us from the joy that we are meant to revel in. I kind of imagine it as a rope that connects us to God. The "things" that take superiority over God are knots. It is impossible to glide into the arms of Jesus with any knot.
I am currently struggling with two knots in my life.
First one is money. The obsession over not having enough, wondering if I didn't get caught what I would have done with more of it, the anxiety of not being able to give the people what I want to give them etc.... Wondering if I will ever be enough if I don't have enough?
The Spirit tells me the truth. The kids are just as happy with an Icee as they would be with a new pair of shoes. There is not one material thing I have had to have these past few months to make my life complete. This family hasn't done without one thing.
My soul (emotions, will power, and mindset) scream something different. How I am going to afford really nice clothes for the new school year? What if we can't afford a nice vacation? Why not just get one credit card for emergencies?
Constant battle as Paul explains.
My second pit is food. The Spirit tells me if I place anything above God then I should set it aside. My body is a temple and I should honor it as God intended. I know the way to a better healthy fit life.
My soul entices me to think differently. That feeling that has been missing all day can be filled with Oreos after everyone goes to sleep tonight. You've walked 20 minutes. Call it a day. What is 20 more going to do? Start a new life tomorrow and dig in today.
Another constant battle.
I am learning that The Spirit has been infused in me and NOTHING I can ever do will make it leave. However I have to train and fight the good fight to let the Spirit resonate over my soul. When this happens then my flesh (my body) can be a true tool for Christ.
It takes prayer, the Word, a constantly growing relationship, and honesty to break this bondage.
We ALL have bondage. What is yours? Wether it be a sinful past that we can't let go of, addictions, materials, and/or worries; there is a way to find freedom.
We have to love each other freely without judgement or assuming we can fix each other. My bondage is not yours to carry, or understand, or presume to know how I deal with it. However as my family in Christ you are called to pray for me and LOVE me. I must and willingly do the same for you.
I have already been touched by such great stories and would love to hear more. Part of my freedom is closely linked to yours.

With endless love,
Kristie

Finding A Father On Father's Day...

I had to be away from the social media today. This holiday is always such an awkward yet joyous day. Father's Day...the day we celebrate the men in our life who have raised us. Well...... I have a sweet and loving dad that has always felt too far away. I can't blame him. He became a father when he was in fact still a child. Our lives shifted in different directions and our paths just never really crossed back. The moments I have with him are awesome. Sweet wonderful memories filled with cotton candy, beaches, amusement parks, tender hugs, and the most amazing tickles. Unfortunately they always ended with goodbye and I then went back to the world of a drunken abusive yucko. So life goes. So it is hard for me to see people post pictures of their dad's because you see deep down I think I was always meant to be a daddy's girl and never got the chance.
However this is a joyous day too. I get to love and spoil this sexy man whom I get to spend everyday with. I have the privilege of watching him raise our children just like a dad I always wanted. I see his heart love on his children and see every choice being made for them. He has restored my faith in the everyday father.
This is also an anniversary for me too. 18 years ago today I went to my first church service with boyfriend now turned hubby. I still had the awkward experience of hearing the greatness of fathers and unfortunately at that time I had a lot of rage and sadness in me. Something amazing happened though. I for the first time felt my Father by me. The true Father who protected me from all the dark, the Dad who walked by my side every step of the way, the One who showed up for all celebrations, and comforted all heartaches.
It felt like he was sitting right beside me squeezing my hand tight. I vividly remember holding Phillip's hand with my right and holding Jesus's hand on the left. I find it no surprise that on Father's Day He would introduce the Spirit into my heart. The revelation that I was not alone all those years and that I could be a daddy's girl left a lump in my throat and filled a hole in my heart. I found a true Father on Father's Day.
I truly believe that how you envision your Holy Father goes hand in hand with how you view your own dad.
Anyone who has ever asked me knows my vision of Heaven. A grass field with tall flowing dandelions viewing the most spectacular ocean. I am sitting there taking it all in with my God. He has His arm around me and His left hand is holding mine. He has strong hands like my dad and tender hugs like him too. I bet He would tickle me if I asked but instead He is comforting me. Whispering I love yous and reminiscing over my life except through His eyes.
I am so happy for you dear friends who get to celebrate their great fathers, husbands, grandfathers, and all other men. You are lucky. 

I also grieve with the ones who have kissed or never had a dad.
I would like to send love to my dad who told me just a few months ago for the first time that he was proud of me and I could never disappoint him no matter what choices I have made. Thanks for reminding me why I see my Father the way I do. Always loving, always forgiving, and always proud.

With endless love,
Kristie

Push For Help...

Have you seen the viral video of the man stuck on the elevator that went up 30 floors in 15 seconds? Can we please scream YIKES for this man? The elevator doors would fly open every floor and I just kept waiting for it to open to a deep abyss.
I kind of feel like I have been on an out of control elevator myself lately. Less life threatening and my choices caused the out of control part of course.
I guess in terms of floors correlating to my life I am waiting for the 38th floor to swing open soon. I am not going to lie; I am terrified of it. I have no idea of what it has in store for me and that is the most terrifying.
The 37th floor was nothing to write home about although I guess I did a lot of writing about it huh? I am exhausted over this floor. I experienced loss, sin being exposed, a million sorries, a billion tears, a lot of forgiveness, and some shattered faith in me. I only pray this stuff doesn't carry over with me. I have way too much baggage.
I wish the elevator could come to a screeching halt and take me back down 15 floors. Can we please say do over? Or maybe we can go a little faster and just skip the next few floors. I guess life doesn't work that way and the unknown is becoming the biggest battle for this anxiety ridden soul. Don't get me started if this contraption can even hold my weight!!!
All I know is if I were that man I would be hitting that red PUSH FOR HELP button ferociously. Just waiting to hear that voice come from nowhere hoping he can save me.
Well my friends I have a PUSH FOR HELP  button and that is my God. He is my everything and my only rescue from not only this disaster but every other disaster from here on out that's awaiting me.
I have been filled with so much grace, love, and mercy that my heart can barely hold it. Before I would have been that skeptic that called a person like me an obvious fake just trying to hide the truth. Well the Word is my truth and it is my refuge. The Living Word lets me know I have been ransomed, redeemed, and remade. I can order it covered, smothered, or any other way but His grace is all around me.
In less then two months the 38th floor will open wide. It's going to be filled with expected events like 20 year high school reunion (oh my), 15th wedding anniversary, and many kid moments. Then there is the unexpected which is what it is.
Gosh I am pushing the button with all my might and holding on to that voice. Thanks for riding with me still.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

With endless love,
Kristie

You Are Seven

My dear sweet Joss Bell today you are seven. Seven!! It wasn't until children I understood the meaning of time is fleeting. Seven years feels like 15 minutes to me and your daddy.

At exactly this moment seven years ago I felt a feeling I haven't felt since. I was in such awe that I was stuck in the moment. No worries or anxiety about the next day or the day after that. Your eyes locked me in the moment and I was content at just being there with no other thought. To me you were the beginning and the end. Nothing mattered before and nothing would ever matter more. (Except for your brother of course.)

That quickly evolved into a mixture of worries and desires for you. I became immersed into wanting to teach, protect, and nurture you constantly.

Even now as we turn scattered Legos into a stable I can't but help wonder about ten years from now. What will be your obsessions? Will you tell me all your secrets? Will you blow out your candles without rolling your eyes?

Right now your future is a vet and having a tan horse with a black braided mane named Coconut; traveling off to other lands building orphanages. Oh how sweet that would be.

However dreams change and hearts shift. Soon obsessions will be boys and desires will not include mother daughter time. Oh how sad I will be.

So right now I am going to intrude on your solo concert your having with your cowboy boots and hat on. I am going to pry that purple microphone from those hands that are too big and I am going to tickle you a million times. I am also going to sneak a hundred new seven year old kisses. I am going to just BE in the moment.

Then tonight me and your daddy will pray over you as we have every night since the first. Pray for God health, a safe and guarded life, and tender sweet happiness all your days. We will give praise to our loving and merciful Father who blessed us and entrusted your life into our shaking hands.

Happy sweet 7 my love. Hoorah to another year!!!

With endless love,
Mommy (aka Kristie)

My Number Is 93...

My number is 93. What's yours? Of course I am referring to Instagram followers. Okay what was your first thought? Sad, pathetic, not popular, who cares....Maybe you are one of those rare souls who aren't addicted to social media. Applause!!!!
I on the other hand have an addiction when it comes to the world of Instagram, Facebook, and blogging. I have always known it but realized the intensity of it when I first stayed home in my deep depression. I would literally wake up in the middle of the night to see if someone had posted anything about me or stopped following me. One of my first resolutions when trying to sort everything out was to make a list of all things and people who I prioritize before God. This phone of mine was a blaring symbol of me not putting God first. At the height of my darkest days I was obsessed with number of friends, other people's lives, and how everyone else seem to keep it all sane while I was drowning. In pictures I saw clean houses, big rings, perfect makeup, garden's growing, cross fit training, and lots of people having it all. It made me feel quite honestly on the bottom of the totem pole. I was a glass half empty girl looking into a glass always full girl. Now let me say I am not envious of material things. I have never been jealous when it comes to big houses, nice cars, and new clothes. That just isn't me. I am a redneck hick from Travelers Rest who lived in trailers so fancy cars and big houses was never really in my daydreams.
However I was envious of what seemed like happiness packaged in nice clean simple boxes. These people, you people seem to be brimming with good fortune, talent that has been formatted into merchandise, and all the while no anxiety about how to make it one more day.
Then I woke up. I woke up from everything.
See that is not me and will never be me. I have a simple life filled with messy and chaotic moments.  I have dirty dishes in the sink every night. My bedside table looks like a war zone with sticky notes, earrings, kid's toys, and dirty socks that I find while falling asleep. I have clothes that at this moment have been in the dryer for two days. I am unemployed and just finding thanks that I don't have to budget my weekly grocery bill. Yet. Oh and I have cankles which means I will never be skinny. Yep that is my life.
There are some things though that can't be shown on pics and posts. I am a terrific mom who works really hard at teaching and raising her kids right. I am a loving and serving wife who may not be a supermodel but has an adoration for her husband that is hard to find. Wait...maybe my glass is almost full.
Contentment is a hard thing to find ladies and it can cause a lot of pain if you think you have to buy it. It is a slippery slope when we would rather live in someone else's world than our own. Simplicity, rest, and meditating on God's word is the perfect prescription for the "I am not good enough" blues.
Now social media isn't all bad. In some ways it has been a blessing. We now have easier access to devotions, sharing in God's word, and a creative outlet to advertise our talents. I have learned that other moms are messy too thanks to groups like ThriveMoms and some beautiful women I have met.
Picture perfect is in the eye of the beholder. I am just wanting to share the messy with the world because it shows the complete me.
So if you are sharing your life or following someone else's on a social app make sure you do it with honest and good intentions; not with judgement or false agendas. It can become one of your greatest tools for witnessing to the world.  So yeah I feel differently about my 93 now and the hundred more that I am following. I have shared something that had them wanting to invest a little time into my life. I am finding contentment within me while seeing happiness in the lives of others. I am just hoping my followers don't freak out about the dirty dishes if they get a glimpse of them in the background.

"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice." James 3:14-16

With endless love,
Kristie