A MVP Mom

Yeah I totally rocked it today. One of those rare days in motherhood when everything you say brings a smile on your child's face. A day where you don't have that "mother regret" that you aren't enough for your kids.
God was just on my side today. I woke them up with a happy happy song. I got them to vacation bible school on time. We got surprise milkshakes. I watched 2 hours straight of the World Cup without one comment about how cute the men were just so my son would be impressed. Jocie and I belted out some sick tunes on the old guitar that neither one of us can play. (We don't know pitch either.) There wasn't one cry, one hurt feeling, eye rolls, or annoying grimaces. I didn't pick up the phone once to compare my lives to others of the Instagram or Facebook world. **** insert applause here-signed autographs later ****
We are a HUGE sports family. If there is a ball then we are playing it and we are watching it. My Philly of course says I get too emotional for the losing teams and also when one person is declared a MVP. It seems to me that usually the MVP is the person who is the most popular on the team. The one who already has the shoe contract and the cereal commercial. But what about the unsung hero? The glue who keeps the team together or the person who puts their heart and soul into every game. Okay so maybe they don't have the highest batting average or the best record for free throw percentages but they fight the good fight day in and day out.
You see as of right now it is only 7:30 so I am sure to end this perfect mommy day at any second. Once I announce bedtimes then anything could go. 

We mommies strive so hard to make every day a perfect day amidst the chaos. We are there glue that keeps the family together. The heart and soul of the family unit. Us mommies fight the good fight day in and day out. We should be called MVPs everyday.
Days like today are the ones I hope they remember. The happy mommy ones. Not the ones where I raised my voice way too high or where my eyes were glued to the hot vampire on TV. My fear is they reminisce over the bad.
If you listed my stats on a mommy trading card they might be dismal. High in yelling and low in patience. Thank the Lord though that as mommies and daughters of Christ we get this clean slate every day. No matter how bad our record is one day; we get the chance to improve and be forgiven the next.
I wish I had all of you on my team. You all are MVPs in my heart and in God's. The foundation we are laying for our kids makes us all incredibly important to the outcome of their life. Of course we have the best coach EVER in God our Father.
GO TEAM MOMMIES!!!!

With endless love,
Kristie

Sunday Praise

My Lord,
I couldn't sleep. You were teasing my mind with a million thoughts and they were all about ways to worship you. I grumbled. Then took the excited dog out to find this waiting for me....

My loving God. THANK YOU!!!!
I don't spend enough time praising you. I don't relish in the simple joys you give me. I forget to breathe in the beauty of God's love and exhale the burdens of my day. 

This week was spectacular.
You graced me with beautiful puffy clouds filled skies.

I was blessed to have a play date every day with these nuggets. There was no lack in laughter, love, and fun.

I was able to celebrate with friends over joyous moments. The shrinking of a tumor, a new house, a new job opportunity, and the ability to rekindle an old friendship. All of which you receive all the glory.

It reminds me of David and how he poetically praises you for everything you touch. For everything you create. For all that you do.

May my worship never decrease as your love never ceases to amaze me.

"Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory in the heavens. Through the praise of children and infants you have established a stronghold against your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet: all flocks and herds,
and the animals of the wild, the birds in the sky, and the fish in the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas. Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!" Psalm 8

With endless love,
Kristie

From Bondage To Freedom

Oh my friends these chains are heavy and I am tired. I don't think I was naive and thought that once things became exposed that dealing with it would be quick and easy; a shake of the hands and a quick exhale. However I didn't realize my days would STILL be so up and down like a roller coaster. Happy highs and low lows.
Sometimes I don't think you realize how tightly bound you are to things until the moment you try to be free from them. It is truly difficult to go from bondage to freedom.
No one can explain it better then Paul in Romans 7:15-25. "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate....For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what it right, but not the ability to carry out....wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!..."
My man Paul. I totally get it. We ALL know what is right and yet we ALL do what is wrong. My encouragement comes from the fact that Paul (aka A Murderer) can be transformed and forgiven to then become one of the greatest warriors in spreading the Gospel. You hear that???? A murderer who was forgiven, redeemed, sanctified, and yet he still dealt with daily temptation while fighting the good fight. Our God is so good.
We ALL have "things" that bind us and keep us from the joy that we are meant to revel in. I kind of imagine it as a rope that connects us to God. The "things" that take superiority over God are knots. It is impossible to glide into the arms of Jesus with any knot.
I am currently struggling with two knots in my life.
First one is money. The obsession over not having enough, wondering if I didn't get caught what I would have done with more of it, the anxiety of not being able to give the people what I want to give them etc.... Wondering if I will ever be enough if I don't have enough?
The Spirit tells me the truth. The kids are just as happy with an Icee as they would be with a new pair of shoes. There is not one material thing I have had to have these past few months to make my life complete. This family hasn't done without one thing.
My soul (emotions, will power, and mindset) scream something different. How I am going to afford really nice clothes for the new school year? What if we can't afford a nice vacation? Why not just get one credit card for emergencies?
Constant battle as Paul explains.
My second pit is food. The Spirit tells me if I place anything above God then I should set it aside. My body is a temple and I should honor it as God intended. I know the way to a better healthy fit life.
My soul entices me to think differently. That feeling that has been missing all day can be filled with Oreos after everyone goes to sleep tonight. You've walked 20 minutes. Call it a day. What is 20 more going to do? Start a new life tomorrow and dig in today.
Another constant battle.
I am learning that The Spirit has been infused in me and NOTHING I can ever do will make it leave. However I have to train and fight the good fight to let the Spirit resonate over my soul. When this happens then my flesh (my body) can be a true tool for Christ.
It takes prayer, the Word, a constantly growing relationship, and honesty to break this bondage.
We ALL have bondage. What is yours? Wether it be a sinful past that we can't let go of, addictions, materials, and/or worries; there is a way to find freedom.
We have to love each other freely without judgement or assuming we can fix each other. My bondage is not yours to carry, or understand, or presume to know how I deal with it. However as my family in Christ you are called to pray for me and LOVE me. I must and willingly do the same for you.
I have already been touched by such great stories and would love to hear more. Part of my freedom is closely linked to yours.

With endless love,
Kristie

Finding A Father On Father's Day...

I had to be away from the social media today. This holiday is always such an awkward yet joyous day. Father's Day...the day we celebrate the men in our life who have raised us. Well...... I have a sweet and loving dad that has always felt too far away. I can't blame him. He became a father when he was in fact still a child. Our lives shifted in different directions and our paths just never really crossed back. The moments I have with him are awesome. Sweet wonderful memories filled with cotton candy, beaches, amusement parks, tender hugs, and the most amazing tickles. Unfortunately they always ended with goodbye and I then went back to the world of a drunken abusive yucko. So life goes. So it is hard for me to see people post pictures of their dad's because you see deep down I think I was always meant to be a daddy's girl and never got the chance.
However this is a joyous day too. I get to love and spoil this sexy man whom I get to spend everyday with. I have the privilege of watching him raise our children just like a dad I always wanted. I see his heart love on his children and see every choice being made for them. He has restored my faith in the everyday father.
This is also an anniversary for me too. 18 years ago today I went to my first church service with boyfriend now turned hubby. I still had the awkward experience of hearing the greatness of fathers and unfortunately at that time I had a lot of rage and sadness in me. Something amazing happened though. I for the first time felt my Father by me. The true Father who protected me from all the dark, the Dad who walked by my side every step of the way, the One who showed up for all celebrations, and comforted all heartaches.
It felt like he was sitting right beside me squeezing my hand tight. I vividly remember holding Phillip's hand with my right and holding Jesus's hand on the left. I find it no surprise that on Father's Day He would introduce the Spirit into my heart. The revelation that I was not alone all those years and that I could be a daddy's girl left a lump in my throat and filled a hole in my heart. I found a true Father on Father's Day.
I truly believe that how you envision your Holy Father goes hand in hand with how you view your own dad.
Anyone who has ever asked me knows my vision of Heaven. A grass field with tall flowing dandelions viewing the most spectacular ocean. I am sitting there taking it all in with my God. He has His arm around me and His left hand is holding mine. He has strong hands like my dad and tender hugs like him too. I bet He would tickle me if I asked but instead He is comforting me. Whispering I love yous and reminiscing over my life except through His eyes.
I am so happy for you dear friends who get to celebrate their great fathers, husbands, grandfathers, and all other men. You are lucky. 

I also grieve with the ones who have kissed or never had a dad.
I would like to send love to my dad who told me just a few months ago for the first time that he was proud of me and I could never disappoint him no matter what choices I have made. Thanks for reminding me why I see my Father the way I do. Always loving, always forgiving, and always proud.

With endless love,
Kristie

Push For Help...

Have you seen the viral video of the man stuck on the elevator that went up 30 floors in 15 seconds? Can we please scream YIKES for this man? The elevator doors would fly open every floor and I just kept waiting for it to open to a deep abyss.
I kind of feel like I have been on an out of control elevator myself lately. Less life threatening and my choices caused the out of control part of course.
I guess in terms of floors correlating to my life I am waiting for the 38th floor to swing open soon. I am not going to lie; I am terrified of it. I have no idea of what it has in store for me and that is the most terrifying.
The 37th floor was nothing to write home about although I guess I did a lot of writing about it huh? I am exhausted over this floor. I experienced loss, sin being exposed, a million sorries, a billion tears, a lot of forgiveness, and some shattered faith in me. I only pray this stuff doesn't carry over with me. I have way too much baggage.
I wish the elevator could come to a screeching halt and take me back down 15 floors. Can we please say do over? Or maybe we can go a little faster and just skip the next few floors. I guess life doesn't work that way and the unknown is becoming the biggest battle for this anxiety ridden soul. Don't get me started if this contraption can even hold my weight!!!
All I know is if I were that man I would be hitting that red PUSH FOR HELP button ferociously. Just waiting to hear that voice come from nowhere hoping he can save me.
Well my friends I have a PUSH FOR HELP  button and that is my God. He is my everything and my only rescue from not only this disaster but every other disaster from here on out that's awaiting me.
I have been filled with so much grace, love, and mercy that my heart can barely hold it. Before I would have been that skeptic that called a person like me an obvious fake just trying to hide the truth. Well the Word is my truth and it is my refuge. The Living Word lets me know I have been ransomed, redeemed, and remade. I can order it covered, smothered, or any other way but His grace is all around me.
In less then two months the 38th floor will open wide. It's going to be filled with expected events like 20 year high school reunion (oh my), 15th wedding anniversary, and many kid moments. Then there is the unexpected which is what it is.
Gosh I am pushing the button with all my might and holding on to that voice. Thanks for riding with me still.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

With endless love,
Kristie

You Are Seven

My dear sweet Joss Bell today you are seven. Seven!! It wasn't until children I understood the meaning of time is fleeting. Seven years feels like 15 minutes to me and your daddy.

At exactly this moment seven years ago I felt a feeling I haven't felt since. I was in such awe that I was stuck in the moment. No worries or anxiety about the next day or the day after that. Your eyes locked me in the moment and I was content at just being there with no other thought. To me you were the beginning and the end. Nothing mattered before and nothing would ever matter more. (Except for your brother of course.)

That quickly evolved into a mixture of worries and desires for you. I became immersed into wanting to teach, protect, and nurture you constantly.

Even now as we turn scattered Legos into a stable I can't but help wonder about ten years from now. What will be your obsessions? Will you tell me all your secrets? Will you blow out your candles without rolling your eyes?

Right now your future is a vet and having a tan horse with a black braided mane named Coconut; traveling off to other lands building orphanages. Oh how sweet that would be.

However dreams change and hearts shift. Soon obsessions will be boys and desires will not include mother daughter time. Oh how sad I will be.

So right now I am going to intrude on your solo concert your having with your cowboy boots and hat on. I am going to pry that purple microphone from those hands that are too big and I am going to tickle you a million times. I am also going to sneak a hundred new seven year old kisses. I am going to just BE in the moment.

Then tonight me and your daddy will pray over you as we have every night since the first. Pray for God health, a safe and guarded life, and tender sweet happiness all your days. We will give praise to our loving and merciful Father who blessed us and entrusted your life into our shaking hands.

Happy sweet 7 my love. Hoorah to another year!!!

With endless love,
Mommy (aka Kristie)

My Number Is 93...

My number is 93. What's yours? Of course I am referring to Instagram followers. Okay what was your first thought? Sad, pathetic, not popular, who cares....Maybe you are one of those rare souls who aren't addicted to social media. Applause!!!!
I on the other hand have an addiction when it comes to the world of Instagram, Facebook, and blogging. I have always known it but realized the intensity of it when I first stayed home in my deep depression. I would literally wake up in the middle of the night to see if someone had posted anything about me or stopped following me. One of my first resolutions when trying to sort everything out was to make a list of all things and people who I prioritize before God. This phone of mine was a blaring symbol of me not putting God first. At the height of my darkest days I was obsessed with number of friends, other people's lives, and how everyone else seem to keep it all sane while I was drowning. In pictures I saw clean houses, big rings, perfect makeup, garden's growing, cross fit training, and lots of people having it all. It made me feel quite honestly on the bottom of the totem pole. I was a glass half empty girl looking into a glass always full girl. Now let me say I am not envious of material things. I have never been jealous when it comes to big houses, nice cars, and new clothes. That just isn't me. I am a redneck hick from Travelers Rest who lived in trailers so fancy cars and big houses was never really in my daydreams.
However I was envious of what seemed like happiness packaged in nice clean simple boxes. These people, you people seem to be brimming with good fortune, talent that has been formatted into merchandise, and all the while no anxiety about how to make it one more day.
Then I woke up. I woke up from everything.
See that is not me and will never be me. I have a simple life filled with messy and chaotic moments.  I have dirty dishes in the sink every night. My bedside table looks like a war zone with sticky notes, earrings, kid's toys, and dirty socks that I find while falling asleep. I have clothes that at this moment have been in the dryer for two days. I am unemployed and just finding thanks that I don't have to budget my weekly grocery bill. Yet. Oh and I have cankles which means I will never be skinny. Yep that is my life.
There are some things though that can't be shown on pics and posts. I am a terrific mom who works really hard at teaching and raising her kids right. I am a loving and serving wife who may not be a supermodel but has an adoration for her husband that is hard to find. Wait...maybe my glass is almost full.
Contentment is a hard thing to find ladies and it can cause a lot of pain if you think you have to buy it. It is a slippery slope when we would rather live in someone else's world than our own. Simplicity, rest, and meditating on God's word is the perfect prescription for the "I am not good enough" blues.
Now social media isn't all bad. In some ways it has been a blessing. We now have easier access to devotions, sharing in God's word, and a creative outlet to advertise our talents. I have learned that other moms are messy too thanks to groups like ThriveMoms and some beautiful women I have met.
Picture perfect is in the eye of the beholder. I am just wanting to share the messy with the world because it shows the complete me.
So if you are sharing your life or following someone else's on a social app make sure you do it with honest and good intentions; not with judgement or false agendas. It can become one of your greatest tools for witnessing to the world.  So yeah I feel differently about my 93 now and the hundred more that I am following. I have shared something that had them wanting to invest a little time into my life. I am finding contentment within me while seeing happiness in the lives of others. I am just hoping my followers don't freak out about the dirty dishes if they get a glimpse of them in the background.

"But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice." James 3:14-16

With endless love,
Kristie