Is today enough?

Reunited and it feels so good!!!
Can you say that about therapy without sounding more crazy?
With having a handful of kids this summer it has been impossible to have a face to face with my beautiful inside and out counselor. We have corresponded between emails but it isn't the same as sitting around a table with our bibles wide open and asking God to take a seat beside us.
Today her first words or really question was "Tell me what's been happening?"
Then with unexpected jitters I fill her in on the joy and chaos of my life this summer.
The joy of spending so much time with my two nuggets and seeing who they really are. Wether it be with their interactions with friends or watching them read a book on the couch; I have been able to sit back and observe. And to be very smug I like what I see.
I talk about these beautiful books that have been rebuilding my heart and helping me heal.
I gab about my mother STILL dutifully going to church with us every Sunday and praying with me.
I go on and on about friendships old and new that are showing me what being a grace giver means. Reunions with old friends who don't bat an eye when I tell them what I have done but rather extend a hand. Friendships that have been strengthened because time together allowed for truth talking. The fact that people are still allowing me the privilege of praying with them and for them.
She looks at me and says "Praise God and wow but one question??? Why are you crying?"
Ah the conundrum. I have to promise her that I don't cry every day...really I don't anymore...but what if??? What if tomorrow everything changes?
What if the fear of tomorrow comes back? What if people wake up and instead of it being one person who can't forgive me it turns into all of them? What if the desire to steal takes over my flesh again? What if the depression hits me again so hard that I can't wake up from it? What if the devil spits on my "choose joy" motto, swallows it up, and then fills me with despair? What if today isn't enough to get me through tomorrow? 

We talked, we prayed, we set up some self defense tactics, and posted some guard rails (more about that later), and then we read.
"Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin." Romans 4:7-8
"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..." Romans 5:2-4
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Choose JOY choose JOY choose JOY. And yes today is enough. Today is my success day. Today is my praise day. The church service, the family lunch, the nap, the kids playing on the trampoline while I snapped pictures, the girlfriend who sat on my couch to vent and then I prayed for her after she left, the funny texts that had me in giggles, the cereal we ate and loved it, the husband who coaches his son on football fundamentals while teaching him the rules of life, the girl who drenched me in tacky make up from one ear lobe to the other, the prayer for our family member marrying his lovely in Canada today, that yummy piece of cake I should have sliced a little smaller, the tucks into bed and celebrating our joy moments today, and now me writing you this.....ALL this.... it is enough. It will sustain me and carry me into tomorrow. Then tomorrow I will choose joy all over again.

With unending love,
Kristie

Ten things I want you to know as you start school.

Many tears will be shed this morning as we watch our little ones, medium ones, and big ones enter a new classroom today. This summer was too exceptional to say I am a happy momma now that I have peace and quiet again. The chaos, the laughter, the messiness, and all in between was sweet sweet therapy for me. I wish it didn't have to end.
Tonight as we tucked the nuggets to bed there was nervous tummies from child and parent. We prayed for safety, happiness, success, and the ability to share God's love whenever we see the opportunity.
There are a few things though that I want them to know as they start a new chapter.
1. I expect way too much from you and I hate myself for it. I want straight A's, perfect attendance, teacher's pet, the best liked, and great compliments as status symbols. I want these things more for me  then for you because I want to make up for all I did wrong. For all I didn't have. For some ridiculous validation that I am a great parent.
2. If you are none of these things above I will still think you are the most perfect thing ever created and have great pride in all you do.
3. There will be many many mornings I will fail you. I will blame you for being late or unorganized because...well that is the easiest thing to do. In fact it is my fault for not preparing myself spiritually and emotionally before I wake you up. The thousand red lights are not your fault and as soon as you close the car door I will be wrenched with guilt for not being a better mommy.
4. Every second you are away I will be lost without you. The saying "you complete me" doesn't even come close to how I feel when I am apart from you.
5. You actually are the bravest person I have ever met. I am 38 and get anxiety over talking to someone new. Yet we require that you make your way into a new world every year. Meeting new people, finding who you are, learning ridiculously confusing things, trusting new friends, and relying on an adult that isn't me.
6. I want you to be your teacher's favorite so you will be the most loved but in fairness I pray they will love everyone equally. I will not always agree with every teaching style and if they don't hug you I will be devastated but the truth is they have to be pretty spectacular as they selflessly share with me in the journey of raising, teaching, and protecting you.
7. I am so scared that one day you are going to come home and officially be smarter than me. Yikes!!!
8. There will be parties, field trips, awards day, and plays for years to come and there will be many times that I will not be there. Please never think I love you less then the mom or dad that is always there. It breaks me when I can't get away or be there to support you. I want to see your face beam when you are in that spelling bee. I pray one day you will understand those big sacrifices we big people have to make.
9. I selfishly pray that during the day God shelters you. I pray that YOU are the one spared from bullets, bullying, viruses, rumors, and all the other yuckiness that is around you. May a thousand angels wings cover you daily.
10. That first moment every day when I see you after our long separation my heart skips a beat. I hope too see a smile spread across your face assuring me that you made it through another day with success and once again I have you all to myself until tomorrow...

Best wishes to all parents, teachers, and little nuggets that are starting a new year.

With endless love,
Kristie

38 candles, homemade biscuits, late night drives....I choose JOY!!!

Oh how I've missed writing shaved reaching out to you over the past two weeks. This week my mind has been overwhelmed with thoughts and I realized I needed to just write on paper instead of bombarding this blog.
The beach was beautiful, my family was amazing, and friend moments were priceless but it was an honestly devastating week. Never have I been so low emotionally and at moments was weighted by guilt, regret, loneliness, sadness, fear, and an urge to just be done with this world. All this while watching your husband play with your children on sandy beaches is a very heavy heavy weight.
Luckily through this season I have learned true friendship is 3:00 am texts and calls sharing those burdens and having women sincerely praying for your life. Literally....
But this is about joy. It's about having faith in a Father I have never seen. Believing in a God that I can't touch. Breathing in unfathomable redemption from a Saviour. During dark moments or just foggy ones we are given glimpses of beauty.....sweet pure stabs of joy.
38 candles this week. 38 years here on earth and I still haven't figured it out. Yet even through failures and disappointments man am I loved. Your words, your cards, your flowers, and your hugs are overwhelming. Celebrations are fun when it is more than a party of one.
Ah my mom's homemade biscuits. Nuff said. They greatest pleasure of having my mom with us on vacation is her making me homemade biscuits. Philly would say it is the bacon. We will happily disagree. Her biscuits remind me of sweet childhood and all the sacrifices she had made for me over the years. It also is another display of how she will do anything to see me smile. I can't make her biscuits (I don't think she likes anything I cook) but in return I see the love my children give her and for awhile I like to think we are even. I see her laughing at their horrible jokes, attempting to boogie board with them, buying them unlimited tokens at arcades, and at night playing with my hair...I realize this is her happiness and I find sweet joy all over again.
In my younger more cool years I had a jeep. Let me tell you nothing is better than midnight jeep rides at the beach but this time I had to settle for a Hyundai with a sunroof ride. I love that Philly knows that is what I need and doesn't mind I am gone for hours. I expect he wants me to find my sanity. While I can't promise I found any sanity I did find clarity and was able to remember way too many reasons I need to keep living this chaotic life.
Choose JOY, choose JOY, choose JOY. I think I need a tattoo of this to keep it ingrained in me. A dear man this morning was preaching the faithfulness of God at church while in less than 24 hours he will be taking another chemo treatment for his cancer. He said "In the midst of fear and anxiety the only prescription is thanksgiving." I wept for him, I wept for me, and I wept for all the beautiful stabs of joy that are in my life.

With endless love,
Kristie

Half Circle

I would love for this entry to be called full circle. It would entail an end to a season of my life but we don't choose our timing. God does that. Thank goodness.
24 hours from now I won't be swinging on a park bench in 60 degree weather like I am now. I mean seriously it is August in the Carolinas. Can I get some warmth here? It has been a cold couple of days with rain saturating everywhere. I like to think God has it planned that way so I can see how much I need the warmth of the sun and Him.
Yep 24 hours from now I will be chilling at my "close to Heaven as your gonna get on earth" place. The waves, the sand, the sunrise, and my God.
I've mentioned a million times before how the beach is my go to God place. I find His presence there stronger than anywhere else. The natural beauty of it shows that God can create anything and bless us with it.
Our last meeting there was emotional and packed with fear and guilt. He warned me of what was to QUICKLY come.
In some ways it was easier than I thought it would be. My soul was lightened. I could speak truth finally. I have been more honest then I have ever been. I can finally get counseling and face these issues. I can see relationships getting stronger then I ever imagined.
In some ways it has been harder then I thought. People lost faith in me. I have never cried so much. I have been defriended, blocked, judged, have ruined/lost relationships that I never thought would be compromised and it still hurts on a daily basis. I take complete acceptance for all of it but it still hurts. Then let's not forget the whole probability of going to jail thing.
When the latter things enter my mind I try to quickly dump it. When it dwells the Devil festers there and he gets a kick out of it. The highest highs and the lowest lows. Just yesterday someone who I use to work with was telling me how another person assumed hubby would leave me. "How could he ever trust her or look at her the same again?" I did the classic smile and shrug it off but by the time I got home it was enormous!!!! "Why is he with me?" "What if I screw up again?"
As I have said before though the more time we spend with our Father the greater He equips us in all circumstances. Two steps into the door I emailed my counselor for prayer, texted my prayer partner in preparation for what it was going to do to me, and told hubby. I never would have exposed that vulnerable side of me before.
We all have the highest of highs and lowest of lows.
I expect to bawl as soon as I get the first second alone with my Savior on the beach which will most likely be sunrise. I don't expect it to be filled with fear like last. I will recollect over the past 6 months and focus on what still has to happen before it can truly be over.  There will be a lot of relief, pleading to still get rid of this guilt, and a gigantic amount of praise for all that has happened in this small amount of time; all of my stabs of joy.
Mother's baptism and going to church with us every Sunday.
New friendships.
Rekindling of old.
Strength in marriage.
No longer living in fear of sins and addictions.
The crazy amount of people I have met through this blog and being able to talk to other people who suffer from child abuse, food addiction, and stealing.
The strengthening of my relationship with God.
The awareness of how many idols I had placed in front of Him.
The ability to let those idols go and dive into His word when I feel like I am slipping.
The decision by the Danciu family to always choose joy.
The list could go on and on.....
I am going to be absent the next week and abide and rest with the Lord and this amazing family. (Probably the reason I have wrote so much this week.)
Can you please pray for safe travels, new lovely family memories, and for me? All of me? I do expect it to be emotional (of course) but hey I am a work in progress. Kristie and tears go hand in hand now.
I do expect that I when I see that first flash of brilliant color in the early morning to feel God's arms wrapped around me and hear His voice whisper "You've done well my child and we are half way there."

With endless love,
Kristie