What Cancer Has Done To Karen

I don't presume to know anything about having cancer. How it feels physically or mentally. How scary it is. How hard it is to go through a daily battle of fighting something that lives inside of you.
I do know a woman named Karen and she has a story to tell. Lately I have felt this conviction about how each of us have a story that is worth writing no matter our backgrounds or daily life events. Each story is important to the glory of God. I will write more about that another time.
For now I want to share Karen's story through my eyes. Her diagnosis with breast cancer came quick and with a heavy punch. I guess that is the thing about cancer. It always has the upper hand in the first round.
For people like me we were all devastated, scared, and mad. Honestly so mad that this thing would strike someone so pure of heart. Let's face it our Karen is the Snow White of women. For me personally I was also selfishly worried. This lady is my go to for everything concerning my children. Besides my husband she is who I envision taking care of my kids if I couldn't. I wasn't ready to lose that.
So as fast as she spoke the word cancer it felt like chemo was quicker. Immediately this warrior was going to battle. The only way I can describe it is like a tornado. She just couldn't be slowed down. Not physically and not emotionally. Karen seemed to blast through every treatment with such velocity. Always smiling and always nodding that it was all good. Then she backs it up with her actions. This lady is having drugs pumped into her body and then without  missing a beat is at every birthday party, working constantly by teaching children, working out at a gym, serving her church community,  socializing with friends, and inviting friends over to feed them. Let's not forget to mention that she also continued to raise three; two adorable children and a husband. Unbelievable. I was tired just watching her. I think like many people we sat back with our jaws dropped and fingers crossed that one day she would slow down. We are still waiting on that. In some ways it made those around her feel worthless. We couldn't fulfill her every need because she was too busy doing it herself.
I was beyond blessed to spend more alone time than ever with her this summer. And sometimes it felt like I was lucky enough to be in the eye of the storm and catch a glimpse of what cancer truly was doing to her.
It was making her stronger. Braver. A fighter. An overcomer.
She lost her hair but she was growing conviction. Godly conviction that her life held a greater purpose than being defined by cancer. She was restless but had the energy and power of a momma bear protecting her cubs. Nothing was going to make her stop being the mom she already was. Always there loving and protecting them. She was tired but had more energy than ever to serve her community by giving of her time.
You see Karen is another classic story of how God calls you even in the darkest of times. He was stirring in her power that she never knew she had. I would have before referred to Karen as timid but that was changing. She was speaking her mind and a testimony was starting to form.
Karen and I after many years of friendship were finally able to break the barrier from daily conversation into full throttle God moments. We became prayer partners and were holding each other accountable for our thoughts and our actions. I will never forget sitting at a table with her as she was scheduling care for her children during her treatments and her telling me "I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you while dealing with this. What do you need?" That was our Snow White Karen.
You see during all of our stories it isn't what affliction, addiction, trial, and circumstance does to you. It's what God is doing for you. Cancer didn't change Karen. God did.
I truly believe she was seeing her worth through God like we were seeing her worth to us. I have no idea that the once shy Karen will be hard to hold back from speaking about beauty and mercy of God's love.
I choose today to write about her because she celebrates one of many victories today. Last day of chemo treatment. Can I get an Amen???? And in typical Karen style as if that is not enough on her schedule tomorrow she gets baptized. That's right in the midst of a tough fight this girl is gonna give ALL the glory to God. That's our Karen.
Can you please pray for her at this very moment? Praise the journey so far and pray for the other laps to go; clear scans, knowledgeable doctors who advise her best on surgery and if radiation is needed. Prayer for healing, recovery, and strength every time there is a check up in the future. Prayers for two kids that can find understanding and best behavior for their tired mamma. Prayers for a best friend husband who sacrifices more than we know to give her what she needs. Also as Karen would want every other person battling cancer especially all the beautiful innocent children.
I leave you with this last memory that has now been etched into my heart. Awhile back we were at dinner with our families and our familiar waiter asked if we were sisters. If you know the two us you know how ludicrous this is. Karen a slim, blond, blue eyed, smaller woman next to a black haired, blue eyed larger woman towering over her. Yet at that moment we didn't want to say no. I just quickly retorted "not by blood." I should have just simply said yes because she is my sister in Christ. Eternally linked together with intense anticipation to do some great partying in Heaven like only Karen can do. That of course will have to wait as she has way too much on her plate right now for God's kingdom. She is your sister in Christ also so get to praying and be faithful.
My dear Karen there will never be enough time here on earth to explain to you how you have inspired me. How you have inspired us all. Now go get em and OVERCOME!!!

I can do all things all through Christ who strengthens me. Phil 4:13

With endless love,

Kristie

Get Thee Up

As I entered the bible study on Wednesday I was drenched with anxiety. I don't do well with new people and when you feel like you are dragging a ball and chain of sin that doesn't help. However these special ladies promised me coke and Beth Moore. How do you say no to that? I am a huge fan of Beth Moore bible studies so I hid my insecurities and was prepared to take in the Word. One of my favorite things about Beth is she always says one thing that stabs my soul. To no fail she did just that and it took everything to hold in the tears. I just didn't want these women to wonder why the new girl was a wreck and what was her dark secret. Amazing the fear that the devil will seep into you when you let him.
So what did she say???
Get thee up.
It slayed me. Me, the woman who wants to hide daily under the covers and who seems to be fighting the darkness a little too much.
Get thee up. I can't out sin God's love. I will never be unworthy of His grace. It's time to fight. It's time to get up.
My group of ladies were beautiful inside and out. So sweet and accommodating. As I was walking out I had a step of pride but the devil tapped my shoulder and whispered "Not so fast." I immediately worried about what would happen when they found out what I did. Instead of the scarlet A I was wearing a T for "THIEF". Dang devil.
Then something weird happened. By weird I mean only designed by God. By something I mean YOU.
Be the end of the night I had been contacted by 5 different random people. Messages and calls of such outpouring. They weren't from my tight knit community either. These were from ladies I don't talk to daily and some whom I haven't talked to since my unraveling. It flooded in from nowhere. Godly inspired words of love, encouragement, and sweet sweet grace. It was simply overwhelming. I will always be thankful that our God placed me on your hearts on that day.
I don't want to sound boastful about this at all because it is actually very humbling. In fact I don't usually share with Philly these messages because it seems a little self serving. However the last one came right as we were about to slumber to sleep. I hear my phone beep a Facebook notice and me being a typical woman couldn't get to it fast enough. I make a snide remark about a "booty call" to which he laughs and exits to the other room. On his entrance back I am weeping my friends. I mean full on attack mode of the Niagara Falls. I try to read it to him but to no avail so I just pass it over. My frIends not only did you comfort me but you comforted him.
Then he rocks me. This man has to rock me to sleep. Never have I felt so deeply loved through you by God.
Get thee up!!!
So what should your take away be from this? Well I have three bullet points for you. (Yes it has come to that.)
1. Find, embrace, and keep a community of the faith. There will be a time in your life when you will need it. A cake from your neighbor may be all well and good but if doesn't come along with a scoop of love from believers it isn't the same. Your community shouldn't only be serving you but they should be filling you with the truth and building you in Christ. In the end that is ALL that matters. (May I just add a side note that this doesn't and shouldn't be exclusive to just your church friends. None of these outpourings came from my Sunday church crew.)
2. One thing can not and should not define you in the eyes of God and your community. It is hard to overcome sin and addictions. It is hard to move on and not see that choice in the mirror reflecting back at you. BUT it isn't you. Pay attention to what God whispers unto your heart and what your community scream at you. (Yes some have screamed! :-) ) You are loved immeasurably by a Father who allowed His own Son to die so He could spend eternity with you. No voice of judgment could ever nor should ever trump that.
3. Let someone rock you. Let someone nurture you. Maybe you don't have a parent or a spouse that is that selfless or physically able to. I never had a dad who kissed my boo boos and fixed my broken heart. Philly may not always be able to give to me that kind of love. But oh my friend I have been hugged, rocked, and comforted by the best. Let God soothe you. Kneel and pour it all out to Him. He wants you to lay it at His feet like sweet perfume. He will soak up the pain, the hurt, and the disappointment, and then He will say,
"Get thee up."

With endless love,
Kristie

P.S. To you five ladies; you will never understand what you did for me. I was able to breathe one more day. Thank you.

P.S.S. Beth Moore bible study is Children Of The Day.

Happily Ever After????

My newest addiction? The tv show Once Upon A Time. It was either that or Forensic Files and after constantly imagining how I would leave evidence if anything ever happened to me I decided to go to the less morbid t.v. series route.
The show is actually a brilliant concept. The thought that we are all actually part a of a fairytale filled with true loves, honest friendships, knights willing to save us, and a promise of a happily ever after. I love to escape into the show after everyone goes to sleep in my house imagining my own story line and my happily ever after.
Right now the reality is I am not in a fairy tale. I sometimes do feel truly cursed. It's like the evil character Rumplestiltskin says, "All magic comes with a price." That can also be said of choosing sin over an honest and good life. It always comes with a price.
I knew once the nuggets went back to school that the emotional rollercoaster would be rough but wasn't prepared for this. I haven't been wallowing and have actually been very busy but the mind can be a powerful thing when it comes to guilt and fear.
The best way to describe it is like being on a shaky wooden raft going downstream. 6 months ago I fell down the waterfall. I survived!!!! It was a scary but grateful experience. You immediately think that it can't get any worse. Then there were times when the rocks were rough and other moments of just peaceful currents in shallow waters.
The past 3 weeks have been rugged, rough, turbulent, and never ending. Sometimes I want to just jump off this shaky raft and call it a day. But one thing is I am not is a quitter. I just wonder when will it end? When does the crash of rocks subside and I am left floating in a peaceful pond? (And with this I am just talking about the emotional uneasiness and not the physical results that I will have to endure.)
I feel like screaming and crying (which I always do) "I get it!!! I know what I did was wrong. Enough already!" I mean where is my godmother or my true love's kiss to get me out of this curse?
I am really just ready to wake up and move on.
The crazy thing is I KNOW that one day it will end and that there is a purpose for every moment I am on this ride. And I KNOW that I am not alone. Besides realizing that this amazing husband of mine is along for the ride; I am aware that my God has set this destination. He is in control of the ride and when it ends.
I need to remember that it isn't the raft holding me up but the grace and redeeming power of God. 

There is a happily ever after for me and it isn't made up of stories from a fairy tale. I have a greater tale of true love and being saved. I don't deserve an easy path for what I have chosen but I am not going to lie and say I don't pray for a quick resolve. That's the selfishness in us all. For now I am just holding on for dear life.

Blessings,
Kristie