I haven't cried in a week. I know amazing right???? I think I have finally turned a new path of finding some peace. It is only because of God's mercy and calmness that He has filled me with. However I don't know if I am ready for this new sense of hope....
I want to keep being RAW. I fear that if I don't stay broken that my faith will shift again. I don't want to lose this closeness.
How fickle our faith and walk with God is. I think during this Holy Week of all of those people laying down their palm branches. "Hosanna, Hosanna" they plea to the King. Then only a few days later the cries of "Crucify, Crucify!" Are we really any different then they were?
Our deepest darkest moments of guilt, despair, sin, worry, and whatever else boggles us down forces us to wave our palms in the air screaming "Save us, save us." Then our days go from hard to mediocre without too many complications. The Bible gets dusty, the heart gets a little more rigid, the hands don't lift in prayer or praise, and our tongues cease to call His name.
I imagine the many thoughts of our Lord as he rode into the city that day. How His heart must have broke every time He looked into the faces and saw the betrayal. "My children you know not what you will do?" Does He do the same with us? These past weeks I have been wrapped into such a tight womb with my Father. Does He know that I will slip away again? I always have before. I pray I am strong enough to not let one hour of silence turn into a day. A day into a week. A week into denial.
So yeah I miss being broken. I am scared that the flesh will want to take over and bury what the heart desperately needs to be fulfilled.
For now I hope to keep buried in His word and help the Spirit overtake the heart, the mind, and the flesh.
"My God how I fail each day. How I fall short of living the life I was called to live. But in this moment...when the house is filled with the Disney channel, soccer on the tv, cats knocking everything over, the dog barking at a bird outside, the clock ticking incessantly, the clothes spinning on dry for the 3rd time, and the dishes begging to be cleaned.....ALL is quiet. I long for this moment with you. This intimate time when my Father and I are intertwined in soft embraces and loving words. May I overcome the distractions to only be attracted to you."
How fickle our faith and walk with God is. I think during this Holy Week of all of those people laying down their palm branches. "Hosanna, Hosanna" they plea to the King. Then only a few days later the cries of "Crucify, Crucify!" Are we really any different then they were?
Our deepest darkest moments of guilt, despair, sin, worry, and whatever else boggles us down forces us to wave our palms in the air screaming "Save us, save us." Then our days go from hard to mediocre without too many complications. The Bible gets dusty, the heart gets a little more rigid, the hands don't lift in prayer or praise, and our tongues cease to call His name.
I imagine the many thoughts of our Lord as he rode into the city that day. How His heart must have broke every time He looked into the faces and saw the betrayal. "My children you know not what you will do?" Does He do the same with us? These past weeks I have been wrapped into such a tight womb with my Father. Does He know that I will slip away again? I always have before. I pray I am strong enough to not let one hour of silence turn into a day. A day into a week. A week into denial.
So yeah I miss being broken. I am scared that the flesh will want to take over and bury what the heart desperately needs to be fulfilled.
For now I hope to keep buried in His word and help the Spirit overtake the heart, the mind, and the flesh.
"My God how I fail each day. How I fall short of living the life I was called to live. But in this moment...when the house is filled with the Disney channel, soccer on the tv, cats knocking everything over, the dog barking at a bird outside, the clock ticking incessantly, the clothes spinning on dry for the 3rd time, and the dishes begging to be cleaned.....ALL is quiet. I long for this moment with you. This intimate time when my Father and I are intertwined in soft embraces and loving words. May I overcome the distractions to only be attracted to you."
For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than live in the tents of wickedness. For the Lord God is a sun and shield; he bestows favor and honor. No good thing does the Lord withhold from those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, happy is everyone who trusts in you.
Psalms 84:10-12
Psalms 84:10-12
May you find a renewal and closeness like you have never found before on this Holy of Holy weeks.
Blessings, love, and peace
Kristie
Kristie
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