I am curious at what age does the first signs of insecurity and unworthy begin to fester in our minds? I remember in my elementary years already having a sense of not being good enough compared to others. Whether it was social status or looks; I knew I was different. Do we all feel that? Is it a girl thing or do boys start those early complex issues too? Is it a lack of good parenting?
My beautiful Jocie and I are snuggled on the bed the other night watching what appears to be a very light hearted show. I am amazed at how quickly nothing turns into something when it comes to parenting. One child is confessing admiration about a boy to one of her friends and then her friend asks where does he rank from 1 to 10? The starry eyed girl emphatically places him at a 12. Then this beautiful innocence holding me so honestly says "I think I am a 1."
My heart shatters. Then I immediately go back to the memory of this shattered 17 year old version of me breaking plates on the side of a road because I too felt like a 1.
"Wrong answer" I say adding with a tickle. "Try again." I then see that toothless smile beam and I get "A 2 maybe?"
Another tickle and another "Wrong answer."
We then play tug off war with ticklish body parts until I get what I am looking for. As we go up the ladder of these numbers every "wrong answer" gets a more happier and higher tone of laughter result.
Finally..... We get "10 MOMMY I am a 10!"
Perfect.
"Why would you ever say you're a 1 Joss Bell?"
"Well I do alot of bad things like hit my brother (thank the Lord I didn't get I am not pretty) and disobey you and get really mad sometimes."
I then tell this perfection in my arms that she is just that. PERFECTION. I explain to her that God made us in His image and each of us He created with love and adoration. So when we rate ourselves a 1 we aren't putting ourselves down rather we are putting God down. Just because we dont make perfect choices doesn't mean we aren't perfect to Him. Do we really think He just didn't get it right this one time? Our perfect Father made a mistake with us?
Off she runs to another fairy tale and there I am alone soaking in the words I just spoke.
Did you hear that Kristie?
Ah to be a child who believes everything their parents say. I wish I could go back to that time because right now if you asked me...."Kristie is a 1!"
I wish I didn't fee leek like a mistake. I wish I didn't doubt the reason for me. I am going to be honest here. It has been 5 weeks and I can't even look in the mirror for longer than a minute. I haven't touched any makeup and I am just hoping that I am brushing my hair right. That woman in the mirror, that girl, is a total colossal mess right now. I just don't even want to see her. How can this be who I am? How could I have deceived so many? How do I move on?
"My God. I need you. I need to hear those words and believe those words. I AM PERFECT in your eyes. You created me knowing the choices I would make and yet you love me any way. This body, this mind, this heart is what you want in a daughter. You wouldn't have me any other way. Thank you for making me broken so you can make whole. Your love is pure, sweet, and unfiltered. Help me to see me as you see me"
This morning she jumped out of the car to go to school and I said my usual "I love you and God does too!" Her response...."and I am a 10 and you are too!"
God is GOOD!
My beautiful Jocie and I are snuggled on the bed the other night watching what appears to be a very light hearted show. I am amazed at how quickly nothing turns into something when it comes to parenting. One child is confessing admiration about a boy to one of her friends and then her friend asks where does he rank from 1 to 10? The starry eyed girl emphatically places him at a 12. Then this beautiful innocence holding me so honestly says "I think I am a 1."
My heart shatters. Then I immediately go back to the memory of this shattered 17 year old version of me breaking plates on the side of a road because I too felt like a 1.
"Wrong answer" I say adding with a tickle. "Try again." I then see that toothless smile beam and I get "A 2 maybe?"
Another tickle and another "Wrong answer."
We then play tug off war with ticklish body parts until I get what I am looking for. As we go up the ladder of these numbers every "wrong answer" gets a more happier and higher tone of laughter result.
Finally..... We get "10 MOMMY I am a 10!"
Perfect.
"Why would you ever say you're a 1 Joss Bell?"
"Well I do alot of bad things like hit my brother (thank the Lord I didn't get I am not pretty) and disobey you and get really mad sometimes."
I then tell this perfection in my arms that she is just that. PERFECTION. I explain to her that God made us in His image and each of us He created with love and adoration. So when we rate ourselves a 1 we aren't putting ourselves down rather we are putting God down. Just because we dont make perfect choices doesn't mean we aren't perfect to Him. Do we really think He just didn't get it right this one time? Our perfect Father made a mistake with us?
Off she runs to another fairy tale and there I am alone soaking in the words I just spoke.
Did you hear that Kristie?
Ah to be a child who believes everything their parents say. I wish I could go back to that time because right now if you asked me...."Kristie is a 1!"
I wish I didn't fee leek like a mistake. I wish I didn't doubt the reason for me. I am going to be honest here. It has been 5 weeks and I can't even look in the mirror for longer than a minute. I haven't touched any makeup and I am just hoping that I am brushing my hair right. That woman in the mirror, that girl, is a total colossal mess right now. I just don't even want to see her. How can this be who I am? How could I have deceived so many? How do I move on?
"My God. I need you. I need to hear those words and believe those words. I AM PERFECT in your eyes. You created me knowing the choices I would make and yet you love me any way. This body, this mind, this heart is what you want in a daughter. You wouldn't have me any other way. Thank you for making me broken so you can make whole. Your love is pure, sweet, and unfiltered. Help me to see me as you see me"
This morning she jumped out of the car to go to school and I said my usual "I love you and God does too!" Her response...."and I am a 10 and you are too!"
God is GOOD!
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16
With endless love,
Kristie
Kristie
P.S. A marital dispute. When Philly heard our conversation he had a hard time understanding this. He didn't think it wise to tell her she was a 10 because it might create a conceited child. I of course disagreed and rolled my eyes. We aren't talking about beauty we are talking about loving ourselves even with our flaws. (Are you listening Kristie?) Maybe there is a huge gap in thoughts on this between men and women, boys and girls. However I sure I am right. Aren't we always? :)
I remember feeling like a 1 so many times in my life and being alongside my best friend breaking plates, and somehow the destruction of those plates represented the destruction going on inside our tormented souls! Dramatic teenagers? Perhaps? But there was an undeniable plea there! So thankful we had each other and the old plates and after the plates were all broken we went for the dozen eggs! Oh bless us! We can only learn from our childhood and strive through wisdom, personal experience and prayer to make it better for our little ones!
ReplyDeleteNail on Head! Thank you for this! So many times, I screw up, and feel like a 1 - or worse... How awesome is our God that He loves us, no matter what!?!?!?!
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