Oh how I've missed writing shaved reaching out to you over the past two weeks. This week my mind has been overwhelmed with thoughts and I realized I needed to just write on paper instead of bombarding this blog.
The beach was beautiful, my family was amazing, and friend moments were priceless but it was an honestly devastating week. Never have I been so low emotionally and at moments was weighted by guilt, regret, loneliness, sadness, fear, and an urge to just be done with this world. All this while watching your husband play with your children on sandy beaches is a very heavy heavy weight.
Luckily through this season I have learned true friendship is 3:00 am texts and calls sharing those burdens and having women sincerely praying for your life. Literally....
But this is about joy. It's about having faith in a Father I have never seen. Believing in a God that I can't touch. Breathing in unfathomable redemption from a Saviour. During dark moments or just foggy ones we are given glimpses of beauty.....sweet pure stabs of joy.
38 candles this week. 38 years here on earth and I still haven't figured it out. Yet even through failures and disappointments man am I loved. Your words, your cards, your flowers, and your hugs are overwhelming. Celebrations are fun when it is more than a party of one.
Ah my mom's homemade biscuits. Nuff said. They greatest pleasure of having my mom with us on vacation is her making me homemade biscuits. Philly would say it is the bacon. We will happily disagree. Her biscuits remind me of sweet childhood and all the sacrifices she had made for me over the years. It also is another display of how she will do anything to see me smile. I can't make her biscuits (I don't think she likes anything I cook) but in return I see the love my children give her and for awhile I like to think we are even. I see her laughing at their horrible jokes, attempting to boogie board with them, buying them unlimited tokens at arcades, and at night playing with my hair...I realize this is her happiness and I find sweet joy all over again.
In my younger more cool years I had a jeep. Let me tell you nothing is better than midnight jeep rides at the beach but this time I had to settle for a Hyundai with a sunroof ride. I love that Philly knows that is what I need and doesn't mind I am gone for hours. I expect he wants me to find my sanity. While I can't promise I found any sanity I did find clarity and was able to remember way too many reasons I need to keep living this chaotic life.
Choose JOY, choose JOY, choose JOY. I think I need a tattoo of this to keep it ingrained in me. A dear man this morning was preaching the faithfulness of God at church while in less than 24 hours he will be taking another chemo treatment for his cancer. He said "In the midst of fear and anxiety the only prescription is thanksgiving." I wept for him, I wept for me, and I wept for all the beautiful stabs of joy that are in my life.
The beach was beautiful, my family was amazing, and friend moments were priceless but it was an honestly devastating week. Never have I been so low emotionally and at moments was weighted by guilt, regret, loneliness, sadness, fear, and an urge to just be done with this world. All this while watching your husband play with your children on sandy beaches is a very heavy heavy weight.
Luckily through this season I have learned true friendship is 3:00 am texts and calls sharing those burdens and having women sincerely praying for your life. Literally....
But this is about joy. It's about having faith in a Father I have never seen. Believing in a God that I can't touch. Breathing in unfathomable redemption from a Saviour. During dark moments or just foggy ones we are given glimpses of beauty.....sweet pure stabs of joy.
38 candles this week. 38 years here on earth and I still haven't figured it out. Yet even through failures and disappointments man am I loved. Your words, your cards, your flowers, and your hugs are overwhelming. Celebrations are fun when it is more than a party of one.
Ah my mom's homemade biscuits. Nuff said. They greatest pleasure of having my mom with us on vacation is her making me homemade biscuits. Philly would say it is the bacon. We will happily disagree. Her biscuits remind me of sweet childhood and all the sacrifices she had made for me over the years. It also is another display of how she will do anything to see me smile. I can't make her biscuits (I don't think she likes anything I cook) but in return I see the love my children give her and for awhile I like to think we are even. I see her laughing at their horrible jokes, attempting to boogie board with them, buying them unlimited tokens at arcades, and at night playing with my hair...I realize this is her happiness and I find sweet joy all over again.
In my younger more cool years I had a jeep. Let me tell you nothing is better than midnight jeep rides at the beach but this time I had to settle for a Hyundai with a sunroof ride. I love that Philly knows that is what I need and doesn't mind I am gone for hours. I expect he wants me to find my sanity. While I can't promise I found any sanity I did find clarity and was able to remember way too many reasons I need to keep living this chaotic life.
Choose JOY, choose JOY, choose JOY. I think I need a tattoo of this to keep it ingrained in me. A dear man this morning was preaching the faithfulness of God at church while in less than 24 hours he will be taking another chemo treatment for his cancer. He said "In the midst of fear and anxiety the only prescription is thanksgiving." I wept for him, I wept for me, and I wept for all the beautiful stabs of joy that are in my life.
With endless love,
Kristie
Kristie
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