It has been a rough summer for the Danciu children. I don't know if we blame it on growing feet, uncoordinated legs, or no attention span but they are constantly falling. Scab after scab on those knees and elbows. The worst is when one is about to heal and SPLAT!!!! They trip over the sidewalk and reinjure the same spot.
As a mommy your heart breaks for them. As a vain woman I hope Jocie`s doesn't scar. The good things about these wounds is that they are fleeting. They aren't caused by anyone else and they heal quickly.
Those deep scars are different. Ones formed by human hands, words, or failures upon you.
I remember my first bruises that have piled on deep scars....
I was 7 and my obsessive compulsion was starting to come out in full throttle. I was obsessed with bar soap and peeling it with my finger nails. The way I could shape that bar soap like I was whittling it into another form until eventual nothingness was so addicting to me. It drove my stepfather mad. Warning after warning he would give me to stop. I remember not being able to stop myself.
Then one day I came home to a drunken mad man who followed through on his warning. He made me undress and draw a bath and then as soon as I entered the tub he threw countless bars of soap at me. He then pelted me with what felt like 50 bars and then forced me to peel all of them. Then came the real punishment.
By the time my mom came home she found a passed out drunk on the recliner and a 7 yr that was so badly bruised on her entire body she couldn't move. (I remember my mom trying to do something heinous in retaliation while he slept but thank goodness it didn't work.) I hurt so bad the next morning I couldn't move and couldn't go to school. Fear of my stepfather coming home from his third shift job made me hide in my dark closet all day still as a mouse with hopes he would think I was school.
I honestly haven't thought about that horrible memory in decades but some deep scars don't go away. Now as I evaluate what's going on my life right now those things creep in. I don't know if it is the work of the devil or God that takes me back to those times.
I realize even forgiving someone doesn't mean you can forget the actions. I don't use those memories to justify anything I have done but it does enlighten me on why I hide my compulsions/addictions (food, stealing, desire to be loved) so no else can see especially when I know how wrong it is. The fear of being judged, hurt, rejected is just too terrifying to be honest about it. It also helps me understand my aversion to bar soap. :) Sorry trying to find a little bit of humor there.
I think about my new scars I have created for myself and others I have wounded so deeply and once again I sincerely apologize to myself and to all of you. But scars slowly heal over time thanks to our Lord and Savior.
This memory I share with you is just a memory. It doesn't have sadness or remembrance of actual pain. It has gotten lighter over the years.
I pray that 20 or so years from now I am sitting on a rocker at the beach kissing some of the first boo boos on my grandchildren. And I know these new scars will be faded by then and will just become a minor story in the greatness of my testimony.
God is so great. He uses all moments of this sometimes wretched life to make us better. He heals us with His love and His unfathomable forgiveness. You see memories of being a beaten child don't bring out emotion in me but I think about my God and His daily love and His ability to renew me every day......well that drops me to my knees.
What are your deep scars? Are you having a hard time finding healing and giving forgiveness? Is it worth another moment of anger or tears?
As a mommy your heart breaks for them. As a vain woman I hope Jocie`s doesn't scar. The good things about these wounds is that they are fleeting. They aren't caused by anyone else and they heal quickly.
Those deep scars are different. Ones formed by human hands, words, or failures upon you.
I remember my first bruises that have piled on deep scars....
I was 7 and my obsessive compulsion was starting to come out in full throttle. I was obsessed with bar soap and peeling it with my finger nails. The way I could shape that bar soap like I was whittling it into another form until eventual nothingness was so addicting to me. It drove my stepfather mad. Warning after warning he would give me to stop. I remember not being able to stop myself.
Then one day I came home to a drunken mad man who followed through on his warning. He made me undress and draw a bath and then as soon as I entered the tub he threw countless bars of soap at me. He then pelted me with what felt like 50 bars and then forced me to peel all of them. Then came the real punishment.
By the time my mom came home she found a passed out drunk on the recliner and a 7 yr that was so badly bruised on her entire body she couldn't move. (I remember my mom trying to do something heinous in retaliation while he slept but thank goodness it didn't work.) I hurt so bad the next morning I couldn't move and couldn't go to school. Fear of my stepfather coming home from his third shift job made me hide in my dark closet all day still as a mouse with hopes he would think I was school.
I honestly haven't thought about that horrible memory in decades but some deep scars don't go away. Now as I evaluate what's going on my life right now those things creep in. I don't know if it is the work of the devil or God that takes me back to those times.
I realize even forgiving someone doesn't mean you can forget the actions. I don't use those memories to justify anything I have done but it does enlighten me on why I hide my compulsions/addictions (food, stealing, desire to be loved) so no else can see especially when I know how wrong it is. The fear of being judged, hurt, rejected is just too terrifying to be honest about it. It also helps me understand my aversion to bar soap. :) Sorry trying to find a little bit of humor there.
I think about my new scars I have created for myself and others I have wounded so deeply and once again I sincerely apologize to myself and to all of you. But scars slowly heal over time thanks to our Lord and Savior.
This memory I share with you is just a memory. It doesn't have sadness or remembrance of actual pain. It has gotten lighter over the years.
I pray that 20 or so years from now I am sitting on a rocker at the beach kissing some of the first boo boos on my grandchildren. And I know these new scars will be faded by then and will just become a minor story in the greatness of my testimony.
God is so great. He uses all moments of this sometimes wretched life to make us better. He heals us with His love and His unfathomable forgiveness. You see memories of being a beaten child don't bring out emotion in me but I think about my God and His daily love and His ability to renew me every day......well that drops me to my knees.
What are your deep scars? Are you having a hard time finding healing and giving forgiveness? Is it worth another moment of anger or tears?
I pray for you my friends that we soon rejoice in the days of the Kingdom when our scrapes, bruises, and deep scars have been washed clean.
With endless love,
Kristie
Kristie
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