Midway check in for a praying wife...

I don't believe in accidents. Everything happens for a purpose. There are no accidental pregnancies, no accidental diagnoses, no accidental meetings, and no accidental beginnings or endings. There are no things by chance.
I also strongly believe that there are no accidental nudges from the Spirit. That gut feeling you get when you know the difference between right or wrong. That instinct that persuades you to do something completely out of your comfort zone but let's you know it is for the glory of God. That is the almighty powerful Spirit advising, warning, guiding you to do His will. NO ACCIDENT.
When I began writing again I prayed that I could do it honestly and sincerely. I hid from it for so long because I know I would be a hypocrite. The first nudge I felt was to pray sincerely and passionately for my husband like I never have before. One of my first entries was about the immediate changes I saw especially in how he was leading us into our prayer life. I prayed for his health, his stress, and his ability to lead. I had no idea that I was praying for a man whose life was about to be turned upside down by me and my sin. But my God did. Again no accidental occurrences.
God knew what this man was going to need and how spiritually equipped he needed to be. My God, our God, is so good. Hubby took in my confessions and gave me back mercy, forgiveness, and support. He immediately went into the default mode of a servant of Christ. Later he would tell me that while his heart was breaking God was rebuilding it.
I continue to pray for hubby every night. How dare I not. The prayers change along the way depending on our current circumstances. Some are very simple such as ease his back pain to the ones that are scary like "Lord lead this man into unknown territory to do works that will honor you and serve people other then this family." Woo!!!! That's a hard one but it what the Spirit urges me to do.
This man falls asleep in two seconds and immediately my hand is laid on his chest covering his heart begging for God's grace to fall upon him.
I love when hubby comes home and energetically talks about something I just prayed for the night before. I have to hide my smile because I an not the one to get praise.
Over this 7 months of prayer I have become a better servant to him, a better listener, a better fan, a better partner, and without a doubt a more honest wife. It is refreshing to have a no holds barred conversation with your spouse. I see his trust growing in me too as I easily share my anxieties and fears.
It is amazing that while we pray more diligently about the needs of others He is in return strengthening and equipping us in ways we could never imagine.
Is this marriage perfect? Absolutely not!!!! But it is God's and that my friends is no accident.

'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' (Philippians 4:6-7)

With endless love,

Kristie

Scrapes, bruises, and deep scars

It has been a rough summer for the Danciu children. I don't know if we blame it on growing feet, uncoordinated legs, or no attention span but they are constantly falling. Scab after scab on those knees and elbows. The worst is when one is about to heal and SPLAT!!!! They trip over the sidewalk and reinjure the same spot.
As a mommy your heart breaks for them.  As a vain woman I hope Jocie`s doesn't scar. The good things about these wounds is that they are fleeting. They aren't caused by anyone else and they heal quickly.
Those deep scars are different. Ones formed by human hands, words, or failures upon you.
I remember my first bruises that have piled on deep scars....
I was 7 and my obsessive compulsion was starting to come out in full throttle. I was obsessed with bar soap and peeling it with my finger nails. The way I could shape that bar soap like I was whittling it into another form until eventual nothingness was so addicting to me. It drove my stepfather mad. Warning after warning he would give me to stop. I  remember not being able to stop myself.
Then one day I came home to a drunken mad man who followed through on his warning. He made me undress and draw a bath and then as soon as I entered the tub he threw countless bars of soap at me. He then pelted me with what felt like 50 bars and then forced me to peel all of them. Then came the real punishment.
By the time my mom came home she found a passed out drunk on the recliner and a 7 yr that was so badly bruised on her entire body she couldn't move. (I remember my mom trying to do something heinous in retaliation while he slept but thank goodness it didn't work.) I hurt so bad the next morning I couldn't move and couldn't go to school. Fear of my stepfather coming home from his third shift job made me hide in my dark closet all day still as a mouse with hopes he would think I was school.
I honestly haven't thought about that horrible memory in decades but some deep scars don't go away. Now as I evaluate what's going on my life right now those things creep in. I don't know if it is the work of the devil or God that takes me back to those times.
I realize even forgiving someone doesn't mean you can forget the actions. I don't use those memories to justify anything I have done but it does enlighten me on why I hide my compulsions/addictions (food, stealing, desire to be loved) so no else can see especially when I know how wrong it is. The fear of being judged, hurt, rejected is just too terrifying to be honest about it. It also helps me understand my aversion to bar soap. :) Sorry trying to find a little bit of humor there.
I think about my new scars I have created for myself and others I have wounded so deeply and once again I sincerely apologize to myself and to all of you. But scars slowly heal over time thanks to our Lord and Savior.
This memory I share with you is just a memory. It doesn't have sadness or remembrance of actual pain. It has gotten lighter over the years.
I pray that 20 or so years from now I am sitting on a rocker at the beach kissing some of the first boo boos on my grandchildren. And I know these new scars will be faded by then and will just become a minor story in the greatness of my testimony.
God is so great. He uses all moments of this sometimes wretched life to make us better. He heals us with His love and His unfathomable forgiveness. You see memories of being a beaten child don't bring out emotion in me but I think about my God and His daily love and His ability to renew me every day......well that drops me to my knees.
What are your deep scars? Are you having a hard time finding healing and giving forgiveness? Is it worth another moment of anger or tears?

I pray for you my friends that we soon rejoice in the days of the Kingdom when our scrapes, bruises, and deep scars have been washed clean.

With endless love,
Kristie

To Be Less....

I have fallen in love with the Bible. Can I say that without sounding fake or snooty? The Word of God had brought new life and new understanding for this once confused and lost girl.
Insight is a truly freeing experience.
I have always admired John The Baptist. The man paving the way for the ultimate attraction whose name was Jesus. It always seemed to me he was the opening act getting everybody revved up. "Hey you think this is something? Just wait and see what this next guy is going to do?"
The cool thing about John is he was ok with that role. He wasn't traveling the roads from gig to gig to get noticed. No. He was satisfied in bringing the crowds in and promising them a better show, a better way, a better life was to come.
In John 3:30 John tells the people for Him to become greater then he needs to be less."
Me being the person who had no clue that every word, every action, every period and comma was meant for me was blinded to the fact  that I am the one to be less so my God can be MORE!!!
I assumed it was John just saying I don't mind getting the glory and hiding in the shadows just as long as my Lord gets noticed. Yet even as ancient as those written words are they were exactly for me.
I have held this verse closely after reading about it in Love Idol.
I am to be less. My life is to be less. The "things" are to be less. Anything holding me away, or anyone for that matter, from the brilliance of our Father needs to be diminished. A fire that is to be extinguished so the breathe of God can fill the air.
So what exactly do I need to lessen?
Any desire that I hold onto which can make me feel better or more fulfilled. The desire to be loved. The wanting of forgiveness from human hearts. The hopes of not being judged by anyone. The need of being respected and held in high regard.
Then there is the anxiety that crushes me on certain days. The moments when I am completely overwhelmed and instantly drowning in darkness over circumstances that I have never and never will be able to control.
The worry of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
The materials of this world that tell people I have succeeded.
The doubting of my own self as I ponder will I every be good enough again? A good mom, a good worker, a good friend, a good wife, a good follower of Christ.
These things, all of these things, have become idols in my life. There have been many a time when these things have stopped me dead in my tracks. They have and still do take precedence over the TRUTH.
I am greatly loved. Forgiven. Perfectly made with a purpose. Perfumed with the grace of God. Granted an inheritance that no earthly wealth can compare too. 

I have used this blog as a way to shout out my true repentance and grief to only selfishly hope that PEOPLE can forgive, understand, and foster me in my desire to not feel alone.
These past few weeks I have continued to rest and abide in Him. Still writing everyday but only to Him. Loving on my children, family, and friends in such an intense yet private way.  Trying not to exploit what is perceived as fake happiness. Taking one step in front of another and crashing, breaking, stomping on every idol along the way.
I try daily to make it less about what can I do to make things right again but more about how can I grow and thrive in this relationship with my God.
Each day is a new day. I start all over again. We start all over again. Each of us trying to lessen the hurt, the anger, the sins, the desires, and the other idols that bondage our life.
How did you do today? Did you succeed or did it all falter by lunch? I didn't even get the car cranked yet before I was consumed by a few of those pesky idols.
I can't wait for the day that I am so small in my own ego that all I ever see is God and His goodness, love, and mercy for me. 

I pray this makes sense to the ones who need it and the ones who truly believe in my words. I am shocked each day when I see the ones reading this. I realize some are the false followers trying to find holes in an already shaky testimony. I get that. Breaking news for you!!!! I am going to fail and fall about a million more times so don't worry about missing my downfalls.  But those of you that sincerely take this all in and understand it...I love you!!! This is real and you, I, we are not alone in this walk of rehabilitation.
We have a great journey ahead. Just wait!!
Pray with me as a community of followers that every moment when an idol puts us in a choke hold that we have the power and foresight to increase our focus on our Father. Let us be less important so He gets all the praise throughout our days.

With endless love,
Kristie

A Thriving Family

Kids are getting tucked into bed. Prayers said and kisses made. The last thing we do as a family is say a blessing of the day. The typical repeated responses are "seeing our friends", "daddy coming home early", "spending the day as a family". So hubby and I had to chuckle when Nickolas` response was an over exhausted "I'm just happy we survived through this day!" Hubby then adds "Buddy we didn't just survive, we THRIVED."
Have you ever had one of those days....
12 hours earlier.....
One child so exhausted that he sleeps until 10:00. Usually that is a Hallelujah day but today is a church day. Get him up and moving and the other child gets tummy sick. No church for us.
The next two hours is a frustration of dog tearing up stuffed animals, cat leaving me a gigantic hairball as a gift, and if I have to sweep this floor one more time. It felt impossible to find one second of alone time. Then I become rattled as to why in the deepest muck of mess hubby is nowhere to be found. Ah men!!!! I find him hiding in garage looking for a tool. A tool. My hubby!!!! To which he says "I am really busy can you put a pizza in the oven since I am busy doing stuff?" 1..2..3..BREATHE. Pizza goes in oven.
Twenty minutes later after cleaning up something else I realize I probably burnt the pizza since hubby hasn't checked on it since he clearly can't find ANY tool in the whole garage!!!! 1..2..3..BREATHE
Ah no burnt pizza. In fact no cooked pizza. Just a cold pizza sitting in an oven that clearly isn't working.
****Truth moment****
A few months ago I would have not despaired about this. Not because we would have had the money but simply I would have in under a minute developed a deceiving plan on how I would have stolen enough money to buy a new one. With the deepest desire to not stress hubby out I would have convinced him how I had extra money in a savings account that I was saving for a rainy day. Heck I probably would have gone online and already purchased a new one before I dare leave him to have to deal with another bump in our life. First real anxiety attack came on hard.
Thankfully I couldn't do the above mentioned today. All I have left is a small balance in a checking account, an addiction that thankfully God took away the resources to feed it, and my truth. 1..2..3..BREATHE
I enter the garage to find hubby (yes still looking for something) and I don't see the man who was annoying me a few minutes earlier but I see the man who has  worked so hard in keeping us a float and worked so hard at forgiving me. "Um babe about that pizza. First just remember God is in control and there isn't nothing we can't handle." (Was that really for him or me?) I tell him about the oven to which he says "ok I will check on it in a sec after I find something. Can I have a sandwich instead?"
Wait what????!!!!! Maybe the fumes in the garage made him delirious. Or this is a tool made of diamonds that will answer all our prayers. Or he is so hungry he can't think straight.
Or maybe the problem is and always has been me.  I assumed hubby was the one who would be on his knees right know thrashing his fists in the air screaming "not again God." Theatrical? Yes. Did I really believe he would? Sadly yes.  Maybe all these years not only did I doubt God but I also didn't believe in hubby. I never truly gave him the opportunity to fulfill his role in this family.
3 hours later included a quick Google search, a hardware visit, a $15 purchase, a wife believing no way can this work, a fight about if you could still cook the pizza on the grill, and a perfectly working stove. God is good!!!
So yeah this family thrived. We made it through another ordinary day like everyone else in this world. Some of us face small hills with the courage of a mouse. ****cough cough ME****  While there are others facing mountains with the courage of a lion.
It was a victory for me no matter how insignificant it seems. At the end of every choice you are still left with God working it out. You can choose to let Him be in charge from the very beginning or eventually waiving the white flag  in the end when you surrender it all.
This family didn't just make it through today. We loved. We believed. We thrived.

With endless love,
Kristie

There's A Change In The Wind

Something is happening. This past week I feel different. My soul feels different. Instead of my mind racing and my heart breaking; I feel a tug of change. And my friends I am starting to rejoice in it.
The Spirit is calling to me with gentle words and emotions.
Abide
Rest
Breathe
Surrender
Motherhood
Joy
I don't know the reason for this calmness but I am not going to fight it. Maybe the routine of the past four months is finally  becoming habit. Could be the dozen books I have read that ranged from food addiction to finding joy in everything are starting to make sense. I know the daily time in His Word has calmed me. The community I have engulfed myself in has shown me what true grace and friendship is.
The Spirit is growing in me and slowly erasing the pain of horrible choices I have made. I find myself not wanting to or having the desire to repeat the past mistakes.
God is telling me to slow down in every area of my life.
To ABIDE in His love for me. Soak it in.  To finally understand how much I am His and nothing can ever change that.
To REST in His word at any moment. Whether it be the urge to purge on food or drown in my guilt and shame; I can find answers and encouragement for my daily living.
To BREATHE in the beautiful aroma of friendship among my community of women. Let's face it I have sucked these past years as a friend. I have lied, gossiped, envied, and devalued each and everyone of you at one point or the other. I have been given more grace than I deserve. You have equally laid your sins in front of me and we have begun a new promising God filled journey together.
To SURRENDER the anxiety of what tomorrow holds. Will I find a job? Will I be prosecuted? Will I be imprisoned? Not a day goes by my mind doesn't wonder. Yet each day I am closer to the end then I was the day before. Closer to finding resolution that I know I justly deserve.
To find peace in the beautiful mess of MOTHERHOOD. Realizing that these children need a mom who can live and accept the NOW of life. I have been blessed with a few months of just being a mom and for the first time really understanding that is all they need and want. Not a closet full of clothes. Not a new pack of pokemon cards each day. Not a weekly trip to Target to get another doll. They need me and I can teach them about sin, forgiveness, grace, and redemption. 

To find JOY in all of the above and then some. Joy in the temper tantrums. Joy in that when I pray my praises are so much more than the number of sins. Can I get a Hallelujah for that? Joy in not worrying about being wrong or right. Knowing we are all wrong and moving on. Joy in finally losing 10lbs. WOOHOO!!! Joy in this marriage that continues to be rejuvenated by God's gracious hand. Joy that my mom wants to date again. YIKES!!! So many joys.....
Can I pray for you? Can I pray that whatever obstacle, sin, addiction, and or issue that you have; that you feel that gentle tug? God is merciful and redeeming and powerful. He can help you overcome any pain, guilt, hurt, or anger that you have. At the end of the day, at the end of our life He is the only One who can provide a pasture of rest among the weeds.

With endless love,
Kristie