The devil is all around and just when you think you have him beat...He strikes again. Darn devil!! I haven't slept in weeks. My mind has been playing the perpetual hamster in the wheel scenario. It just won't shut down. I have prayed and pleaded with God believing that maybe I had lack of faith because I couldn't "let it go". (Yes Elsa from Frozen is now singing in my head.) I took a different approach and took it straight to the devil. I let him know that "this" the "If you aren't physically caught up in your sin anymore then I won't let you forget it mentally" approach wasn't working and I demanded release. "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7
I immediately fell asleep. I was like Snow White under a trance. Then he hit me again. I had the scariest dream that I have ever had. He went deep into the mind and brought out memories that I hadn't thought about in 20+ years. I woke up mad. Dare I say even pissed. It was a low blow.
Everyone whom I have seeked counsel with always want to venture into my childhood. They want to use the abuse of a mean alcoholic abusive step father as an excuse for who I am now. I just don't want to play the victim card. I always took pride in that I had forgiven the man who did unspeakable things to me and my mom. I have moved on. Basically I want and am willing to take complete blame for what I have done. I don't want my step father getting the credit. Even he doesn't deserve that. I don't want my mom now blaming herself when she has been one of the most reliable things in my life. I don't want these therapist giving me an out and in a way excusing my sins.
We all have free will and we all know right from wrong.
If anything this had helped me have a little more self reflection and I am starting to understand it more. I am beginning to glue the pieces but hey that is for another day.
The devil longs to take away your peace. If you are content, happy, and have no problems then maybe he has you right where he wants you. He doesn't want you to ever feel raw or in need of God. He will use the people you love most to keep you trapped in doubt and fear. I can get 99 emails, texts, and calls of love and prayer but it is the 1 that lacks support or understanding that leaves you unsettled. That is the devil at work even when they don't know it or mean it. I have many times been an instrument in his planning. We are called to pray when evil lurks and offset it with good works and prayer.
I will overcome and I have been made a new. I can now sleep!
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God`s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Reduce with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another." Romans 12:9-15.
In love and faith,
Kristie
THIS: "I can get 99 emails, texts, and calls of love and prayer but it is the 1 that lacks support or understanding that leaves you unsettled." Sister, I can relate. I do the same thing when it comes to friendships. I can feel so loved and blessed, but let the one who no longer keeps in touch come to mind and I feel so sad. That is SO of the devil. He wants to steal our joy and take our eyes off the Savior. Let's work together to fight that. And know that I am one of the "99" here to support you because I am proud of you…taking responsibility for your sin (which so many refuse to do), getting the help that you have identified you need (which so many refuses to do), and showing the world the truth of Gospel. Blessings!
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