Let me warn you that this is going to be a LONG entry. Epic I tell you. Chapter esque compared to my normal length of thoughts. If you plan on reading then you better commit. You can't do this in your car or at your desk at work. You might miss something. I also am very much aware that this entry may cause me to loose some of you amazing readers because it eventually just becomes too much. However this entry is for me. Selfishly ALL for me. It is me finally trying to glue all the pieces together and make sense of everything. I wish I could draw little lightbulbs at the end of some sentences because things are starting to grab my attention. I actually woke up at 2:00 am last night ready to write like a maniac but we have a house guest and I didn't want him to come across some manic woman typing away. So let me start with what I know and glue everything together....
I vividly remember in December coming back from a date night with Philly and being emotionally attacked by a song I had never heard of before "Psalm 139". My heart began to shatter and each word pierced me with a fine point needle. I know Philly had to sense something because I began crying and so many emotions came rushing out. Guilt, shame, fear, loneliness, and despair to name a few. I have had all of these inside of me steaming like a hot furnace for years but they began to erupt and overflow. Then I heard that voice, the one you just try to reason as doubt, insecurity, or an inner voice talking, scream to me "ENOUGH". The Spirit was done being a captive in a dead body.
I vividly remember in December coming back from a date night with Philly and being emotionally attacked by a song I had never heard of before "Psalm 139". My heart began to shatter and each word pierced me with a fine point needle. I know Philly had to sense something because I began crying and so many emotions came rushing out. Guilt, shame, fear, loneliness, and despair to name a few. I have had all of these inside of me steaming like a hot furnace for years but they began to erupt and overflow. Then I heard that voice, the one you just try to reason as doubt, insecurity, or an inner voice talking, scream to me "ENOUGH". The Spirit was done being a captive in a dead body.
I became restless after that and fearful. I didn't want to go to work in which I was buried so deep in sin. I tried looking for another job. Many sick days were used.
**** But if you felt so bad about what you were doing and so scared why not stop? Why not ask for help? I want to tread lightly on using the word addiction here. In my mind addiction ties closely with victim and I detest that word. I was letting my flesh corrupt my mind and soul to think there was just no other way out. Like an alcoholic who knows one more drink could cost him his family and love; I guzzled the perception that I would be bankrupt and disappoint so many if I didn't steal. It's hard to describe but really simple as that.
Then fast forward to a weekend in February where I was able to escape that world for a few days and head to the beach with family and friends. (I stole to be able to do that.) Philly came down a day late due to work so I was planning on ditching my usual routine of waking up before sunrise to go witness the beginning of the day. I just wanted to sleep in a little late beside the man I love. Around 6:50 me eyes fluttered and I noticed the window. The light behind the window that had blinds and curtains closed tight was calling to me. Imagine a nature show where they show you in slow motion a vine growing up a tree. Brilliant light was creeping in that room and it was attacking every party of me. I gave in to it and grabbed the phone and bible. He was calling to me. My favorite thing in the world is capturing photos of beach sunrises so I have seen A LOT in my life but my friends nothing can describe the beauty of that day. A new day, a new dawn, a new beginning. I even quickly texted Philly that he had to see this but I couldn't woo him out. I was witnessing the glory of Heaven and the Maker of all things giving the world light and preparing to take the darkness away from me. Then that inner voice wrecked me and said "It's done". I fell to my knees begging for mercy, forgiveness, and rest. I was tired and weighted down by my own faults and failures. I felt like Peter after he heard the 3rd crow of that darn rooster.
*** So you are one of those that hears the voice of God but you are also a thief and hypocrite? I hadn't heard that voice, that calling, that sure authority ever before in my life. Not like that. Not with such power and such assurance. Maybe before in whispers but only when I was a child.
Four days later I am facing judgement. They come into work and say "We know, your fired, you will be prosecuted." I leave with me head heavy facing the floor and my heart light. I am embarrassed, regretful, and so thankful it is over. God (yes God) stopped it on His timing because I was to weak too.
Now I have been left with replaying all life decisions, focusing on my past, seeking therapy, telling loved ones about the real me, and diligently trying to understand. For some people it is a black and white issue. For me it is a spiritual revelation between God and the devil. A war over me because yes I really am worth fighting for. You see I am a good person. A beautiful soul. I have always had a heart for people and a compassion to make things better for anyone who would allow me. I have a nurturing soul and am looked to by many as a confidant who will always be truthful. THAT IS ME. A confident overweight girl who knows I have an inner beauty that was gifted by my Lord. I know this and thankfully many of you agree which makes my heart swoon. And while yes I am a thief and have lied about it for years to doubt my inner being is wrong. It is simply wrong. Every tear, every act of love and kindness, every conversation has always been genuinely me. If anything it makes sense on why the devil would want to destroy me. My God has a greater purpose for me and it scares the devil to death. So as soon as I get baptized into the kingdom of God it would only make sense that the devil would use anything he could to destroy me.
I am weak is an understatement. For the past 16 years I have let the flesh and not the Spirit control me. The devil knew exactly where to attack and he did so in two places. First he used all of the spiritual gifts I had been blessed with against me. I intertwined my thievery with the fruit that I wanted to lavish on everyone. I had to throw the best parties, give the best gifts, pay for dinners, take care of my grandmother's bills, give money to family, throw showers for people, give my kids the moon and add some stars, pay for groceries and unexpected bills so hubby wasn't stressed, and be willing to donate for any cause. I am not trying to sound like a martyr but in some perverted way I thought I was robin hood. I did none of this to be popular but rather to be looked at as the selfless giver and nurturer that I knew I was. (lightbulb) Disgusting I know and it makes me want to throw up. To finally see that lie and accept it is heart wrenching. Now let me also say that I wasn't selfless. This is where stage two of the devil's attack came. I would buy for me but it wasn't diamonds, clothes, and over the top material things in excess. I didn't mind walking into the party with old clothes as long as the present was the biggest. I treated myself with food or rather purged my guilt with it. (lightbulb) Lots and lots of food. So this once sparkling 160lb beauty is now treading close to 300. That confident girl who didn't mind her skinny friends slowly turned into an obese woman who couldn't find anything of value inside to offer anyone. The solution? Steal more, they will need you more, eat away the guilt, and slowly lose your true calling from God. (lightbulb). A slow, ongoing, and vicious cycle.
**** So how can someone who claimed to love God be such a hypocrite? How could I always advise others to trust in God? How do I do all of these things and still claim to be a Christian? In the simplest way... I wanted to love everyone the way God called me to love them but devalued my own self thus the vicious cycle. The Christian part? I had to battle that one but have you met a perfect Christian? If you judge me then do you understand the word of God?
So now I have to look back at what made these small instances turn into a spiraling tornado? This has become so much clearer. The devil attacked when I was lonely and bored. Bored meaning I wasn't applying my creativity to express my feelings. I wasn't writing (which is my passion), I wasn't releasing energy that then turned into anxiety, or socializing among the Spirit which is what we are called to do. Now the loneliness is a hard one to discuss because it hurts to talk about. How can I be lonely with an amazing husband as a best friend, a mom I talk to daily, and sweet loyal friends? Easy I was trying to give them more then they gave me. Not their fault but mine. I couldn't be honest in what I needed in prayer and support. I thought a true friend was letting people lay their burdens on me but never dared to do the same. Now there are two exceptions to this rule. Two people who oozed humility, kindness, and never took more from me then they gave me. My kindreds. One I lost during my relationship with Philly because who doesn't sacrifice friends for a boy? It didn't mean I was turning my back but rather high school best friends growing apart as we grew our own families. The other I met at work and quickly could a day not go by that we didn't need to talk to each other. I felt like she was ripped away from me just as soon as she had her first child but her heart urged to move back home to Louisiana to be with her family. These two women have loved me so much and taught me about goodness. While two completely different women their souls were the same. I always think they were drenched it honey. Never did they ever say a foul word, become bitter about anything, and both of their ultimate desires if asked was to just be a mom. When we had our previous moments together it wasn't filled with gossip, selfishness, or complaining about the works being against us. It was sweet happiness. Then just like that they were gone. Now my life has been blessed with a multitude of friends since then. Some that I even consider family now. Weddings have happened and babies have been born. I am blessed with friends who love and support me especially now. While I love these women and need these women it doesn't meet the same kind of urgency to tell them everything. It is like each of them fill me in a different way but not a complete way. Some I used as my prayer warriors, some my drinking buddies, some my movie friends, some my complain about men, some my I love food, and some my play date mommies. All of these women are amazing and most likely could fill all my needs but I kept up a wall. I can't blame them or myself for letting the hustIe of our lives keep us apart for sometimes months at a time. The devil used my insecurity and my sin to keep me from realizing how I truly needed a sister in Christ. You see I don't need a convenient friendship but rather I need a friendship that travels all mountains, all valleys, and does nothing else but glorify our relationship in Christ. I am just filled with loneliness among a sea of women and all I want is huge hugs from my kindreds. I pray that all the friendships I have now can grow in that way. I had a friend this week question my need to tell every person that I have come across what I have done. "That is between you, God, and your family. You don't need to reveal that to everyone. " It was hard for me to explain it but it is a way for me to purge my guilt. Honesty and vulnerability are new to me but it needs to be a requirement if I am to strengthen my relationships. Also I selfishly need people to shower me with mercy to feel valued. (Lightbulb) If I can bring nothing to the table except a sinful past and still be loved....well...what do I need to steal now?
So now here I am shedding my past and ready to grow. How do I move on? How do I fix the boredom and loneliness? How do I avoid temptation and bring myself to people and not stolen gifts? Grow fruit!!! In the book of Luke Jesus goes to a fig tree with leaves and rebukes it. I was quite confused by that but after research I figured it out. That darn fruit tree is me. When a fig tree has leaves that is a sign the figs are ready to be pulled. Jesus goes to that tree and sees a lie, a hypocrite, an inadequate tree not yielding what it was planted for. I am that tree and I refuse not to bear fruit.
I talk to the devil. That's right I rebuke him every time he manages his way into mind. He still tries to break the flesh.
I am no longer going to punish myself with food. Instead I am going to use exercise as a holy experience with God and take care of this temple.
I am going to serve you!! I am going to nurture, love, pray, and shower you with adoration just as my Father does me.
I am being called into a world that is ready to be served. It may be behind a jail cell, through this blog, through ministry with church, or finally that book that is starting to open in my mind. God is ready for me but He had to break me first. I am so glad he did! Someone sent me a quote that said our greatest calling can come when we have fallen so far. I truly believe this.
I had to write this many times over because I needed to make sure that God approved every word.
I need a million prayers on this journey. Prayers for me to not fear the future, prayers for my walk with God, prayers for me to battle to win the war with food, and prayers to just be me.
You can breathe because I am finally done. I can breathe because I can finally live.
With endless love,
Kristie
Kristie
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