Have you ever watched Survivor? Have you seen the challenges when they have to dive to the bottom of the ocean and pick up a big trunk of puzzles? You wonder how do they come up?
That's me right now.
It started Sunday morning when love and gratitude filled the air. I was attacked in bed with cards and homemade gifts. Even hubby had his card filled out before the sun set. I was grateful and happy to get all of the hugs and kisses. Then I started taking in the words that was written by 7 year old hands, the hearts drawn by a six year old, and the love being poured out by the most loving and forgiving mate ever. Then I started to sink.
In brutal honesty I felt worthless and like a fake. I went to church and held the hand of my beautiful mother while she stood in front of a congregation to share the new joy that has filled her heart. I see the eyes of my pastor who just weeks ago prayed over me and my sin. He was saying greatness comes even in dark times. I just thought surely there was somebody better to hold my mom's hand. Lunch was sweet and joyful but I couldn't take in food but rather drank in more sadness. My nap was longer than usual and I blamed it on being a special mother's day snooze. Kids went to bed and I smothered them with thanks and love. I couldn't even look at hubby because the tears were so heavy.
I was that girl on Survivor trying to pick up that trunk but it kept getting heavier and heavier. The next few days it was weighted with slimy stinky yuckiness. That's the best way to describe it. Plain `ol yucky.
Anything that could be used to attack me was placed in my head and my heart.
You aren't good enough.
Your selfish.
Your lazy.
They deserve better.
You think you can swim through this but let's face it you are drowning.
It is hard to explain but these attacks come and they leave me in such a haze. Kind of like I am walking in a fog. I don't soak in God`s word. I don't extend extra hugs to the kids. I think it makes more sense to sleep then exercise. I am overly sensitive and easily annoyed. I just go through every moment so robotic without emotion. It is really embarrassing to admit that I can crash so easily.
However I am telling you this with a sense of optimism. The old me would keep this in but the new me is a fighter. I have an understanding and a desire to just drop that heavy useless weight and swim to air. To freedom. This isn't a woe is me but rather a victorious is He!!
I heard Joyce Meyer one day say that the Spirit doesn't want to grieve. Whatever we experience the Spirit also takes in. He fought hard for me these past few days and showed me ways to battle through. I immediately texted a friend about all of these feelings. She took some of that weight. I cried in front of hubby and told him I felt unworthy of this day. He hugged, he loved, and he too carried some of the weight. I found rest and peace in the moment. I didn't falsely dig into the Word or give God routine prayers. I just stood still and listened. I listened to that Spirit calling me home. I could tell my Lord with candor that compared to all of these other moms I don't stack up. The moms who are fighting for their life to spend another day with their kids, the moms who breathed their last breathe before they get to be spoiled on mother's day, the moms who honestly work full time and still give their kids everything when they get home, and the moms who would give anything to take their child's sickness away. They are the ones who deserve the kisses, hugs, and crafts.
He holds me, He loves me, and then He cleanses me. I am awakened and the devil loses once again. I ABIDE in His presence. I don't naively think it won't happen again but am relieved to know I am not alone.
The only way that guy on Survivor wins that challenge is when his team jumps in to help him. They distribute the weight. I need my Christian community of friends and loves to get me through. I need you!!!!
My friend sends me this quote and I know I am loved and not alone.
That's me right now.
It started Sunday morning when love and gratitude filled the air. I was attacked in bed with cards and homemade gifts. Even hubby had his card filled out before the sun set. I was grateful and happy to get all of the hugs and kisses. Then I started taking in the words that was written by 7 year old hands, the hearts drawn by a six year old, and the love being poured out by the most loving and forgiving mate ever. Then I started to sink.
In brutal honesty I felt worthless and like a fake. I went to church and held the hand of my beautiful mother while she stood in front of a congregation to share the new joy that has filled her heart. I see the eyes of my pastor who just weeks ago prayed over me and my sin. He was saying greatness comes even in dark times. I just thought surely there was somebody better to hold my mom's hand. Lunch was sweet and joyful but I couldn't take in food but rather drank in more sadness. My nap was longer than usual and I blamed it on being a special mother's day snooze. Kids went to bed and I smothered them with thanks and love. I couldn't even look at hubby because the tears were so heavy.
I was that girl on Survivor trying to pick up that trunk but it kept getting heavier and heavier. The next few days it was weighted with slimy stinky yuckiness. That's the best way to describe it. Plain `ol yucky.
Anything that could be used to attack me was placed in my head and my heart.
You aren't good enough.
Your selfish.
Your lazy.
They deserve better.
You think you can swim through this but let's face it you are drowning.
It is hard to explain but these attacks come and they leave me in such a haze. Kind of like I am walking in a fog. I don't soak in God`s word. I don't extend extra hugs to the kids. I think it makes more sense to sleep then exercise. I am overly sensitive and easily annoyed. I just go through every moment so robotic without emotion. It is really embarrassing to admit that I can crash so easily.
However I am telling you this with a sense of optimism. The old me would keep this in but the new me is a fighter. I have an understanding and a desire to just drop that heavy useless weight and swim to air. To freedom. This isn't a woe is me but rather a victorious is He!!
I heard Joyce Meyer one day say that the Spirit doesn't want to grieve. Whatever we experience the Spirit also takes in. He fought hard for me these past few days and showed me ways to battle through. I immediately texted a friend about all of these feelings. She took some of that weight. I cried in front of hubby and told him I felt unworthy of this day. He hugged, he loved, and he too carried some of the weight. I found rest and peace in the moment. I didn't falsely dig into the Word or give God routine prayers. I just stood still and listened. I listened to that Spirit calling me home. I could tell my Lord with candor that compared to all of these other moms I don't stack up. The moms who are fighting for their life to spend another day with their kids, the moms who breathed their last breathe before they get to be spoiled on mother's day, the moms who honestly work full time and still give their kids everything when they get home, and the moms who would give anything to take their child's sickness away. They are the ones who deserve the kisses, hugs, and crafts.
He holds me, He loves me, and then He cleanses me. I am awakened and the devil loses once again. I ABIDE in His presence. I don't naively think it won't happen again but am relieved to know I am not alone.
The only way that guy on Survivor wins that challenge is when his team jumps in to help him. They distribute the weight. I need my Christian community of friends and loves to get me through. I need you!!!!
My friend sends me this quote and I know I am loved and not alone.
So I do what any mom would do once the depression loosens it's reign. I tell the kiddos to come outside and I surprise drench them with the water hose. That's what a great mother would do. The squeals of surprise and laughter set me free. Now I can float to the top.
"He sent from above, he took me; he drew me out of many waters; He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them that hated me: for they were too strong for me. They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the Lord was my stay. He brought me forth also into a large place: he delivered me, because he delighted in me." 2 Samuel 22:17-20
With endless love,
Kristie
Kristie
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