I haven't published anything in such a long time but I needed some "me time" for my thoughts. I was hoping that the next time I typed something to the world it wouldn't be so woe is me but that is much harder than it sounds.
I wish I could say life is grand. Time heals all wounds. Everything is peachy. Hmmmmm? Well I can't lie so I won't pretend. Some days are still very hard. Some weeks feel just like the first. Today feels just like a year ago. I still cry, I still hurt, I still lay heavy with guilt, and the people around me are still broken and burdened. Told you I can't stop this "woe is me" thing I got going on here.
But here is the thing. I am still here. I am still breathing. I am still moving forward.
Day after day these things still hold true and I find them to be very precious. I also have discovered other fascinating facts that I can't help but share with you.
1. Your tribe, your people, your community, are the ones who don't give up on you day after day after day. They sense your needs before you even know how to speak them. Hold onto them. They are rare and priceless. If you are sick, if you are broke, if you are heart broken, or if you are alone let them bless you. Don't deny them the ability to show you they haven't given up on you so you shouldn't either. (Hardest fact I have come to learn and accept!!!)
2. There is no such thing as 2 steps backward. No matter how rough your day gets trust me when I say it is better than the day before. It may be more painful and lonelier but you will learn from it just like you learned from yesterday. Pain is fleeting but hope is eternal. Don't mistake God's will for punishment of prior sinful self. Don't be a self deprecating fool. He placed you out of it for a reason. You may now be alone or in a jail cell but there is purpose behind it. Each day is a walk though a valley, up a mounting, down a hill, and treading towards glorious victory in Heaven.
3. Choose Joy. Choose Joy. Choose Joy. Choose Joy. Can I say more about this? Stop, breathe, and look around. Instead of wondering what to get next or grumbling about what you don't have. Look around and choose joy for the blessings that surround you. A roof over your head? Amazing beautiful children who drive you batty? A spouse who faithfully comes home to you every night and doesn't give up? Something to eat for the day? Those are joyful things.
4. A smile goes a long long way. Many years from now I imagine myself counseling or talking to people who have gone through same upbringings and life choices. They will ask my how did I survive? Number one of course is my Savior. But two??? A person's smile. I can not get over how people are constantly smiling at me showing me that there is hope for me. Every person I have encountered up to this point have been nothing but genuinely sincere when they look at me. Even at moments when my heart is breaking because of the embarrassment of my choices; a smile from an unexpected member of the law enforcement who whispers " Deep breathe..God makes us ALL new every day..You will smile again" That my friends is grace showered by God at the perfect moment.
5. Love greater. Love greater. Love greater. I chant this a million times a day. Moments when I want to give up and not get out of bed. Times when my mind wants to take me back to a painful memory. Instances when I am tired of saying I am sorry but feel it is really the only thing I can offer. Love greater. Love greater. Love greater. You can not and will never be able to out sin God's love for you. Trust me. So why not love others and yourself with that same intense powerful enormous devotion??? Don't let the meaningless worries or annoyances of this world stop you from loving everyone greater than they love you. It's hard to do. It's time consuming, You won't be rewarded for it. In fact some days you get enormous eye rolls and suspicious looks of wondering what your secret agenda is. Love greater anyway. It creates a better world. A better place for you and your loved ones.
A year ago today at this exact moment I was wondering who in their right mind would still be with me today. And look here you are. Today is a great day to move forward and keep breathing.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
With faithful love,
Kristie
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