Maybe you aren't enough...

After awhile I get tired of saying the same things to people who need help and advise. I know that sounds terrible. I do believe that because we can't think of a fancier way of saying "I will pray for you" or "God will take care of it" that sometimes we just don't say anything at all.
Well trust me it is so much worse hearing those same things over and over again. Of course they are offered in the sincerest ways but sometimes a nice honest "This really sucks!!!!" makes it a lot better. I guess that is where true honest friendship comes in to play.
I say this because the past week I have heard a repetitive theme in the Christian social media world. "You are enough!" {I am pretty sure that I myself have said this in the past but that isn't important.} The women of Christian leadership have been able to funnel this message to many because they see the despair in our eyes. In a world where we compare our life to others through Instagram posts and Facebook feed how could we not be? Social media isn't all to blame either. Somewhere along the way us women (and a many men) have devalued ourselves through comparison to others whom we don't even know. Calling it "keeping up with the Jones' " or what have you but it is definitely true. Whether it be PTA, kids' birthday parties, church functions, and/or dinner out with the girls; the truth remains that many of us just don't feel like we can bring anything to the table. Some talk constantly of money to cover up the fear of talking about Christ. Some talk about Christ to cover up the sin they are hiding. Some only discuss the perfection of their children to hide the rubble of their marriage. And then some talk about the joy of motherhood when they are too scared to say, "This really sucks sometimes!!"
I can picture sitting at a table now and envisioning each of these women and sadly seeing myself in more than one of these chairs. Brutal honesty is so hard especially when it is coming from your mouth.
I definitely applaud the encouragers out there trying to give us a boost. There is a huge support system being generated around the world letting me and you know that we am enough for anyone. Sincerely I do appreciate it.
Unfortunately I don't believe it anymore. I am simply not enough. Never will be. Now wait for it...you aren't either. You want to hear the crazy thing?? It is the sweetest release you can ever know.

There is a reason for our deficiency. A very reasonable excuse. We will never have enough "God" in us to make us whole. To make us exactly what everybody else needs us to be. God would literally have to take over your body and throw you out to be enough for this world.
I am going to fall short on every level of my life and knowing and understanding that finally has seriously released me in some way.
It is no secret that over the past year I have been laden with guilt over how I have failed EVERYBODY with my sinful choices. I honestly don't know if it is something I will get over. It also generated this false truth that because of that baggage I can never be enough again for the people around me. I will never be enough for my children, my friends, my employer, my family, my church, and most definitely my husband. I held on to this notion so tightly that I began rationalizing how it is okay for any of the above mentioned people to abandon me. Especially my husband. I was giving them an easy out for a relationship that I was certain that they didn't want to be in anyway. Unfortunately some of the above listed took the easy out but then A LOT didn't. They hung around and the ones whom I hold closest to my heart would whisper "This really sucks!!"
Now I am shaking my brain in disbelief thinking I was ever enough for my kids or my husband or anyone else. As if I was on a pedestal of awesomeness and perfection and just happened to slip off.
Silly silly naive woman.
God is so glorious and so magnificent that nothing you can bring to the table will ever be enough. Not for Him and not for others. And that my friends is okay. The Holy Spirit supplements what we lack. He instills in us riches that we could never hold in our hand.
" For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom ever family in heaven and on earth is names, that according to the riches of his glory may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19
Can I get an Amen? Do you hear that? Only through faith can we be filled. Only through God's love and mercy for us can we overflow with the feeling of being enough.Still then remember it isn't us that is enough but God's unwavering love for us that makes us fill full.
That my friends is what you bring to the table. No one around you is so much better that they didn't need Jesus Christ to die on the cross for them. We are uniquely and beautifully made with individual purpose to glorify God's will. Use that undeniable truth as your shield when you feel you lack anything or everything. This week you will probably feel not good enough for your kids as you do their crazy homework. You will feel not good enough for your spouse when he doesn't return your affection or attention.You will feel not good enough in a room full of strangers who are reading from the same Bible as you. That is okay because you have God! Please please don't shy away from that simple yet amazing truth.
Maybe you aren't enough......but God most definitely is.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

With endless love, 

Kristie

Moving Forward One Breath At A Time

A year ago. A year ago today at this moment I was crying a thousand tears, breaking numerous hearts, ruining a best friend's birthday, scared out of my mind, and was finally free. Now here I am.

I haven't published anything in such a long time but I needed some "me time" for my thoughts. I was hoping that the next time I typed something to the world it wouldn't be so woe is me but that is much harder than it sounds.

I wish I could say life is grand. Time heals all wounds. Everything is peachy. Hmmmmm? Well I can't lie so I won't pretend. Some days are still very hard. Some weeks feel just like the first. Today feels just like a year ago. I still cry, I still hurt, I still lay heavy with guilt, and the people around me are still broken and burdened. Told you I can't stop this "woe is me" thing I got going on here.

But here is the thing. I am still here. I am still breathing. I am still moving forward.






 Day after day these things still hold true and I find them to be very precious. I also have discovered other fascinating facts that I can't help but share with you.

1. Your tribe, your people, your community, are the ones who don't give up on you day after day after day. They sense your needs before you even know how to speak them. Hold onto them. They are rare and priceless. If you are sick, if you are broke, if you are heart broken, or if you are alone let them bless you. Don't deny them the ability to show you they haven't given up on you so you shouldn't either. (Hardest fact I have come to learn and accept!!!)

2. There is no such thing as 2 steps backward. No matter how rough your day gets trust me when I say it is better than the day before. It may be more painful and lonelier but you will learn from it just like you learned from yesterday. Pain is fleeting but hope is eternal. Don't mistake God's will for punishment of prior sinful self. Don't be a self deprecating fool. He placed you out of it for a reason. You may now be alone or in a jail cell but there is purpose behind it. Each day is a walk though a valley, up a mounting, down a hill, and treading towards glorious victory in Heaven.

3. Choose Joy. Choose Joy. Choose Joy. Choose Joy. Can I say more about this? Stop, breathe, and look around. Instead of wondering what to get next or grumbling about what you don't have. Look around and choose joy for the blessings that surround you. A roof over your head? Amazing beautiful children who drive you batty? A spouse who faithfully comes home to you every night and doesn't give up? Something to eat for the day? Those are joyful things.

4. A smile goes a long long way. Many years from now I imagine myself counseling or talking to people who have gone through same upbringings and life choices. They will ask my how did I survive? Number one of course is my Savior. But two??? A person's smile. I can not get over how people are constantly smiling at me showing me that there is hope for me. Every person I have encountered up to this point have been nothing but genuinely sincere when they look at me. Even at moments when my heart is breaking because of the embarrassment of my choices; a smile from an unexpected member of the law enforcement who whispers " Deep breathe..God makes us ALL new every day..You will smile again" That my friends is grace showered by God at the perfect moment.

5. Love greater. Love greater. Love greater. I chant this a million times a day. Moments when I want to give up and not get out of bed. Times when my mind wants to take me back to a painful memory. Instances when I am tired of saying I am sorry but feel it is really the only thing I can offer. Love greater. Love greater. Love greater. You can not and will never be able to out sin God's love for you. Trust me. So why not love others and yourself with that same intense powerful enormous devotion??? Don't let the meaningless worries or annoyances of this world stop you from loving everyone greater than they love you. It's hard to do. It's time consuming, You won't be rewarded for it. In fact some days you get enormous eye rolls and suspicious looks of wondering what your secret agenda is. Love greater anyway. It creates a better world. A better place for you and your loved ones.

A year ago today at this exact moment I was wondering who in their right mind would still be with me today. And look here you are. Today is a great day to move forward and keep breathing.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18



With faithful love,

Kristie

Joyful Anitcipation

I remember the eve before Jocie`s birth. With me not being a patient person; it was surprisingly calm. Of course having her was like booking a hotel room. I knew months in advance this baby's delivery date since she was a planned c-section.
I picked date, time, doctor, and had no worries about packing that overnight bag. My Nickolas was a completely different story. Hospitalized two weeks before due date, no bag packed, no idea of what the pain was going to feel like, and constantly wondering how they are going to trust me with such a tiny thing.
Both times for me ended in such a sweet beautiful blessing. Each one happy, healthy, crying, and each with 10 fingers and 10 toes.
Right now it is 2 a.m. in the Carolinas and we are being consumed by rain. In a day we celebrate Jesus, His birth, His life, and His sacrifice for us. My mind of course keeps going to Mary. This young child who was about to birth the Savior of this world. What was she doing this night so many years ago. Wad it cold? Was it raining? How scared was she or was she consumed with joyful anticipation? When did she go from worrying about 10 toes and 10 fingers to the knowledge this bundle would be the sacrificial lamb?
How quickly she had to morph from a child to a mother of the King. Times have certainly changed. In this era she could have chosen to run away, be a single mom, not to have that child, or let someone else take the responsibility of mothering that baby. Thank goodness for God's timing. She did only what she knew her God would command her to do. Be faithful, be fearless, and deliver the promise to the world. There was no social media, easily accessible doctors, or gossip among the news outlet on what she should do. She followed her heart and her faith.
Not only did she carry the light and the truth but she was also carrying ALL of our burdens. Every lost child, every broken heart and promise, every death, and every sin was pressed upon her. Not in the way Jesus carried it but in the way a mother feels for her child's aches. She knew this little bundle was going to redeem all people by bearing their hurt and I have no doubt that became a heavy burden. 
I have joyful anticipation for every Christmas. A chance to see the magic in my children's eyes, share the Story with them, share blessings of our year. This year more than ever count what was lossed and find what we gained from it. Talk about Mary and how she stayed true to her faithfulness in God. I think about the beauty of the those first moments I looked into my children's eyes and counted those fingers and toes.
I pray about finding God's purpose in me through my children. How my failures, mistakes, and rare golden moments will prepare them for their mission for God. I have joyful anticipation listening to Mary in Heaven recount the birth story with such intensity and sweet fervor like all us moms do.
I pray you and your family have joyful anticipation about our Lord's birthday tomorrow. No matter what situation or season you may be in; may you understand there is a reason and a purpose. And above else may you give the glory to our Father for it all.

"So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:16-20

With endless love,
Kristie

I promise....

Dear Philly,

15 years! I just can't fathom it. Can you? I am sure you will be mortified that I am writing you a love letter on the internet but hey that will keep it timeless right? Besides you know it is easier to bare my soul through words than person.
My favorite line from one of my favorite songs goes "Your love is my turning page where only the sweetest words remain." That just describes so perfectly how I feel about you. If my life was a book I would never want you to not be a part of the next page. I would be eternally lost. After 15 years we have now shared 5,475 pages together. Wow!!! They have been filled with a lot of diapers, lots of snotty noses, wiped tears, laughter, laughter, laughter, too many episodes of Seinfeld, countless viewings of Armageddon, Shooter, and Gladiator. There's been tough losses for our Saints and worse losses for me at pretty much any game we have ever played especially putt putt. Tons of sunrises and sunsets, hot tub kisses (ok I'll keep it PG), and late night conversations. It has been an up and down amazing BLESSED life.
After some pretty incredible years; this year's been rough. I have royally screwed up and failed you and our marriage. Please know I don't carry that burden lightly. Yet you have loved me faithfully and dutifully. You keep moving forward with me.
A few weeks ago we had a discussion during a pretty tense stressful day and you asked, "can you just tell me why?" I said I would never be able to explain it but that isn't really true. In my heart and mind I thought I needed to take what wasn't mine so I could make people love me more by taking care of them and giving them materialistic things.  And when it came to you and the kids well I just wanted to make life easier for us. Provide you with less stress on the bills and give the kids more things. But now after even more of talking to my counselor, praying to God, and being very introspective I realize it's more than that with you and the nuggets. I thought I needed to give you guys more so I could be more. I don't know when my insecurity got bigger than me but once the devil saw that hole he tore it open. The sad thing is I let him. It doesn't make it right and this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" moment. It's just that me, myself, and I didn't think I could be enough for you all. You deserve so much more.
Then on Tuesday you and I were looking at old pictures and guess what I saw? This. 

In the beginning this was all I had to offer you. A broken girl who lived in a rickety trailer. It wasn't even mine just rented and I didn't even own one piece of furniture in it. Yet that was enough for you. I was enough for you. We were complete in that little shack sharing first stories, first kisses, and first promises. I never doubted who I was to you. You literally took me from there and kept giving me bigger and better. You gave me safe shelter. I don't know why but I lost myself somewhere and from that.
The symbol for 15 years is crystal and babe I am broke as a joke so you won't be getting that. But if I could I would give you a crystal ball so you could see how everyday in the future I will try my hardest to make this right. I promise. While everything around us is a complete mess right now God has brought me to a beautiful place. He has redeemed me, filled me, and released me. I promise I will make this right.
You are a rock star hubby Philly. You knock it out of the ball park when it comes to being a father. You sir are my turning page.
I'll leave you with this.
"For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17.
May we never celebrate an anniversary where we don't thank God for how he has blessed us.

4-Life,
Kristie Pea