I promise....

Dear Philly,

15 years! I just can't fathom it. Can you? I am sure you will be mortified that I am writing you a love letter on the internet but hey that will keep it timeless right? Besides you know it is easier to bare my soul through words than person.
My favorite line from one of my favorite songs goes "Your love is my turning page where only the sweetest words remain." That just describes so perfectly how I feel about you. If my life was a book I would never want you to not be a part of the next page. I would be eternally lost. After 15 years we have now shared 5,475 pages together. Wow!!! They have been filled with a lot of diapers, lots of snotty noses, wiped tears, laughter, laughter, laughter, too many episodes of Seinfeld, countless viewings of Armageddon, Shooter, and Gladiator. There's been tough losses for our Saints and worse losses for me at pretty much any game we have ever played especially putt putt. Tons of sunrises and sunsets, hot tub kisses (ok I'll keep it PG), and late night conversations. It has been an up and down amazing BLESSED life.
After some pretty incredible years; this year's been rough. I have royally screwed up and failed you and our marriage. Please know I don't carry that burden lightly. Yet you have loved me faithfully and dutifully. You keep moving forward with me.
A few weeks ago we had a discussion during a pretty tense stressful day and you asked, "can you just tell me why?" I said I would never be able to explain it but that isn't really true. In my heart and mind I thought I needed to take what wasn't mine so I could make people love me more by taking care of them and giving them materialistic things.  And when it came to you and the kids well I just wanted to make life easier for us. Provide you with less stress on the bills and give the kids more things. But now after even more of talking to my counselor, praying to God, and being very introspective I realize it's more than that with you and the nuggets. I thought I needed to give you guys more so I could be more. I don't know when my insecurity got bigger than me but once the devil saw that hole he tore it open. The sad thing is I let him. It doesn't make it right and this isn't meant to be a "woe is me" moment. It's just that me, myself, and I didn't think I could be enough for you all. You deserve so much more.
Then on Tuesday you and I were looking at old pictures and guess what I saw? This. 

In the beginning this was all I had to offer you. A broken girl who lived in a rickety trailer. It wasn't even mine just rented and I didn't even own one piece of furniture in it. Yet that was enough for you. I was enough for you. We were complete in that little shack sharing first stories, first kisses, and first promises. I never doubted who I was to you. You literally took me from there and kept giving me bigger and better. You gave me safe shelter. I don't know why but I lost myself somewhere and from that.
The symbol for 15 years is crystal and babe I am broke as a joke so you won't be getting that. But if I could I would give you a crystal ball so you could see how everyday in the future I will try my hardest to make this right. I promise. While everything around us is a complete mess right now God has brought me to a beautiful place. He has redeemed me, filled me, and released me. I promise I will make this right.
You are a rock star hubby Philly. You knock it out of the ball park when it comes to being a father. You sir are my turning page.
I'll leave you with this.
"For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth 1:16-17.
May we never celebrate an anniversary where we don't thank God for how he has blessed us.

4-Life,
Kristie Pea

Love Big

I have coined a new phrase. Okay I didn't create it but I am borrowing it with a few edits. I told you in an earlier post about how I love hearing Beth Moore speak. She can speak for hours and there is always one comment that pierces me. That is what happened a few weeks ago. "Love big or go home."
I am sure a few of you can relate to the theatrics that siblings carry out when they argue with each other. Nickolas, my 9 year old nugget, wouldn't hurt a fly and Jocelyn, my 7 year old, takes full advantage. She has pestered, picked on, and just been plain mean to the truest friend she has. She has already mastered the perfect sequence of buttons that can push him into a frenzy.
So I have been trying to teach them both how to love BIG. To love in an all consuming way that there leaves no doubt our intentions for each other. Jocie needs to love at all times and not when it is convenient for her. She can't pick and chose the moments she decides to love like Jesus. Nickolas needs to learn to love with no expectation and the knowledge that sometimes loving may not yield results. Loving can just be plain hard!!!
Beth Moore said "love big or go home" but I just don't think going home should even be an option. As Christians if we convey Jesus love then it is always flowing; no turn off handle. I think convenient love is the most popular route people take these days. I mean look at social media? We are able to get tons of likes and complimentary comments with no strings attached. We just have a very easy and simple unfollow button that gets hit too quickly.
Let's be honest relationships are hard wether it is between friends, families, lovers, and/or drivers on the highway passing you by. I think the devil delights when we fail or get failed by relationships. How easily pieces of our heart harden. The pain and disappointment just chips away and sometimes never gets replaced. Yeah the devil swoons while we mourn.
Granted there are some relationships that need to be abandoned because they don't grow in God but should the love lessen? Would we choose not to love if we knew what the end result would become? Do we pick who we love based on what we believe their "love us back" percentage is? How many of us love others only because it makes us feel about our choices? 

Choosing to love someone can be viewed as a big risk and loving big can be a sacrifice. But what if loving big is really the simplest and easiest way? Loving with no hopes to gain. Loving with no underlying motives to get more then your willing to give. Loving big like Jesus might be the glue that holds our tender hearts together and fixes the chipped pieces.
In the world of parenting I am just hoping for less name calling and even less crying when someone is bombed on Minecraft.
In the world of fixing myself I just want to love so enormously that no one ever doubts who my Father is.

With endless love,
Kristie